For some reason the whole time my mom was here this week, I kept thinking we were like in Grey Gardens. My middle-aged spinster ass in weird outfits and her widowed, and oddly talkative. But Southern. We kept having all these long conversations about things neither one of us can quite remember.

Everytime I walk past my refrigerator I start laughing:

"Give me something to give in to.
It will be weird. It will be so weird." --Mike Young

Reza's class must have been really good because I can't even finish half my butternut squash raviolis. There is always something really creative in his class that I would never have thought of. We were climbing/leaning against the side of a wall in half moon pose and it helped a lot to get my shoulder back, which never wants to move. It is weird that Crunch yoga is more creative than studio yoga. Silvie too, once had us doing lunges but with the top of our back foot on the ground - it looked hard but wasn't and felt great. Also, opposite of my studio yoga experiences, where the longer I went there the more invisible I seemed to become, at Crunch, the more they see me, the more the more I get adjustments! Which is really the only reason to ever even go to yoga...

Seems like the old studio is mostly dead, but a few of the former teachers started a new studio in the same style I hear. Looks like even with carpet. I want to go but then I'm suspicious for some reason, that weird harshness - now that I'm away from it, I can see it more clearly, they are so tough. Also since I left The City I just see SF as really tough and harsh too (except Mission!) but I do miss the funky poses, and I guess the funkiness of the city, I miss that too (but not the funky smell).

I was just reading from a book with this quote:

"The fact is, I have been dead so long & it has been simply such a grim shoving of the hours behind me as I faced a ceaseless possible horror, since that hideous summer of '78, when I went down to the deep sea, its dark waters closed over me & I knew neither hope nor peace; that now it's only the shrivelling of an empty pea pod that has to be completed." Too bad I'm not depressed this winter, or good thing!

Dreamt I was eating a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Tom Clark's house and it wasn't very good but I kept eating it out of politeness, and then this girl with a huge white cat in her arms called up to Tom can she come in with her cat, and he said no.

I'm also reading Sheila E Murphy's 600 page book of poems called "Collected Chapbooks". The concept itself or the very fact that this exists is worth the price.

From My Sister's Blue Accordion:

All my life she has been simple, cheerful and athletic
as I slaved over the yellowed texts of Garibaldi,
Boehm and Hindemith.
I rehearsed in steamy practice rooms
as she stood effortlessly in yards of beer and hotdogs,
performing personality like a habit
smiling past my smiles.

Makes me sad and happy at the same time. Like what a twisty perfect way to describe the bittersweet path of poetry...

Took a class at the gym called Absolution, (I first typed Abomination-they should rename it) - and it is so not yoga. The guy was like a marine yelling out stuff, and faster faster, at 15 minutes I felt done, but that was only half-way. Then at the end we did something called "Throw downs" where I was lying down, and dude made me hold on to his ankles and I would left up my legs and he would grab my ankles and then he would throw them down, and I had to use my abs to bring them back up, I did 7 and then I was shaking so much it was hard to do 10 but I did them anyway. It was gross too because his socks were wet. Why was he sweating that much!

It took me like an hour to get out of bed today. But I look FLAT STOMACH! And its weird because its the top that hurts, but that makes me pull it in far and so the bottom part which is usually pouffy is not because of the top being pulled in so much. Maybe that is the secret. Also, we did some plank stuff which I didn't think was too bad, but I woke up in the middle of the night with this awful pain in my left hand and it was like this orange glowing line of pain that went all the way up my arm to my shoulder. I rubbed it for a while and it went away and then it came back and I rubbed it again, and then I fell asleep. If you google search "cardiac arrest" the first thing that comes up is Brittany Murphy. I think it was either the plank poses, or maybe the abs stuff was a little too much and i was using my neck. Bad Bad, I know.

I dreamt I had to do proofreading that was due on Christmas, so I was in a panic. But I don't have to do anything. My mom is here and we are going to walk around Berkeley, or Temescal, or Piedmont Ave, or Lake Merritt. Christmas Eve (tomorrow?) we will go to Grace Cathedral, she says there is poetry...

It was sunny and bright and blue skies, and then it rained and rained and I think it might be my fault because I have been listening to Sisters of Mercy all day.



I think I had some sort of creepy guy crush on him in high school. I don't know what was wrong with me. He seems like he probably has a lot of issues.

I did three loads of laundry and printed about 70 copies of Logan's book. Met my neighbor "Scott." Came back in and realized I had my skirt on inside out. I still haven't turned it right-side out. A very domestic day. But busy printing, and sorting, and folding, etc. Spent some time at vector magic, was having vector problems, but it looks cool, kind of like when Professional sites try to look DIY, but it really is DIY, so it is DIY trying to look like a Professional who is trying to do the DIY look. Um. Logan's book is the first where I have transitioned from using a real ink stamp pad for my Y logo, to having scanned it in, and so it is a scan of a real ink stamp. How selling out am I? Also I couldn't find green ink, like off the cuff, so this is easier.


Read AnnMarie Eldon's Some2; is there a place where her genre and Will Alexander's genre intersect. I think, maybe. Sciency surrealism stuff... Do I just want to write the word Loxodrome? Yes.

Had an epiphany about my anger and my sexuality, not sure if it is a happy thought, but I think anger is sexuality. And when I'm stopping my anger I'm stopping my sex drive, and that is why I have all these blocks... But then I started thinking about how rape is supposedly "not about sex" but it is sex, and so, then, isn't it? Maybe passion isn't anger but energetically its cousin, and sometimes people get confused by it. Reading Dalai Lama in the bathroom. I really dig the antidote stuff, he says letting out anger is really never good, but that also anger will increase if you never "implement the antidote." Certain people that anger seeps out of, and are seemingly unconscious about the fact that they are angry, it is because they are not applying the antidote. I suppose consciousness has to come first though, then the antidote can be applied. The only thing I am not too keen on in his philosophy (so far) is he is entirely against euthanasia, and I've been told by my mother that I have to pull the plug if it ever comes to that. Not necessarily euthanasia, but still, it seems if you are relieving suffering, how is that bad? For him, he says all suffering is the result of previous bad karmas, and you have to live it out. Seems a little arbitrary, medicine is OK, he says relieve suffering as much as possible, but this next step of relieving suffering is not OK. Hmmm.

My favorite lifestyle choice is eating by myself in a restaurant with a really difficult book. You would see a lot of women eating by themselves in Mission, but in East Bay I am always the only one. Or I'm the only one in the restaurant. I felt like maybe I should acquiesce to the culture here and take to go, but then maybe East Bay needs to acquiesce to me! Maybe women secretly want to eat alone, but are afraid, and maybe seeing me will empower them.

There are two stores walking distance from my place that are totally cool to just wander through on my way past:

East Bay Depot for Creative Reuse

and

Sagrada

I did all my holiday shopping at Sagrada. Yule-tide shopping I guess I should say. I want to just wander through some weekend day and read about chakras. They had a bunch of chakra books. I think I feel them lately, I feel them moving, and I feel all this yoga energy moving up and down too. mostly moving up.

Maybe I'll move to Japan and teach ESL, maybe I'll move to Dubai, I think I could make a shitload teaching ESL in Dubai, I've heard. I guess its not exactly like SF there... I wonder how it is for a woman, I heard its a party city, which sounds fun, but I'm not sure how well ESL teaching and partying it up really go together. I probably would prefer a more intellectual city. Like Berkeley, or Buffalo. Maybe I'll finally apply to Phd school, maybe I'll read Guattari and Deleuze. Right after I finish the Spicer bio.

I'm thinking of going to a chiropractor, still having a tingly thing in the middle of my back. It is better, and we did scapula exercises in yoga last night, which helped but didn't fix entirely. I know my hips are out of alignment and something is off in my neck, I can tell because every time I do a backbend something in my neck like falls into place.

I wanted to be surreptitious today, but I can't find my black bra.

Missing so many poetry readings lately. But am not missing the Rosmarie Waldrop reading tomorrow night, except I guess its not really a Rosmarie Waldrop reading, but an Oppen lecture. But at any rate, should be cool. And in celebration, a Waldrop/Oppen mash-up:

Well except not, I totally don't have time for that. But in my dreams of my perfect life - I do.

There will be no merit increases this year. So I put lipstick on. For like 30 minutes. Then I ate a candy cane, apple flavored, which exactly did not match my lavender lipstick.

Speaking of John Wieners, I'm having problems with my nerves. And I mean the pinchy kind. (I'm bizarrely calm this week in my headspace, I think maybe just exhaustion?) My whole left leg went numb for a minute today while sitting on my knees and twisting after camel pose. I don't think that is a good way to twist...I have a tendency to want to try and do everything I'm told, in yoga at least, but I was like no no no, and sat differently.

I cam home in the pouring rain, and there was a very long line of ants in my apartment leading straight to the garbage can. I poured Brita water all over the kitchen, and am glad I have tile floors.




OK I am waiting for something to print so I do have time.



How wonderfully the air is laid down on shadows.
It brightens up into the branches
A sort of empty number

Give back what disappears

and the beds of the defeated,
Scattering earth in the strange woods.

ART!

I spent a lot of time painstakingly collecting every postcard/card possible from this art party thingy last night; in the order in which they came out of my purse:


Steve Javiel

Colin Harris

Angela Scrivani

Michael Murphy

Rubyspam

Ian Ross

Erin Schroeder

Reb Peters Press

Megan Fister

Kiss dude

Kelly Page

Slava Likhatchev

Henry H. Barbero

Red Rabbit 7

Rosemarie V. Castillo

Christie Newman

Debbie Cain

Laura Browning

and best for last:

Eve Shen

The way they always want to make you have an "intention" before class. But every time I do that - it comes out completely something other - and I don't really see the point. Pre-defining something seems sort of anti-yoga? I'm having a spastic pain on my scoliosis place pretty bad so my "intention" was to relax it, but that didn't happen at all. But the yoga teacher was really cool and loving, like she has this universal love vibe, and I think that affected me more than anything. And as I was waiting at BART after class, I was totally just feeling love for humanity. I think the yoga teacher's intention (or personality?) affects things much more than my intention. Similarly, I wish they wouldn't ask "any requests" before class, but half-way into class, once you are feeling your body, then seems the time to ask what we need or are feeling... because every class is different, and what you think in your head you need might not be what you need when you get into it.

The reason all I talk about is yoga on here is that is ALL I'm ever doing, besides working the two jobs. And I'm working two jobs. I'm not making ANY poetry readings, and I hate it, but I can't do everything. The two jobs and yoga (to counteract the two jobs) are it. But also reading a lot thanks to BART. I really liked Rachel Levitsky's "Neighbor," who doesn't obsess about their neighbors? There's a part in there that is seemingly or possibly an homage to Lisa Robertson's The Weather, with the litany of names, was that in "Thursday"? I think Thursday. I always wanted to write something in response to that which may be my favorite poem by a living writer ever, but could never think of anything that's not straight up copying.

And the Jack Spicer bio was my airplane book but I didn't finish it, and it is hard to take on BART, it is hardcover, and I guess that it would be a good Kindle book if i ever got a kindle. The good thing about those seems to be not needing to turn pages, which if you are stuck standing up on a contraption upon which you must balance, would be a good thing. Sometimes every time I turn a page I fall down, and I'm one of those annoying unbalanced people, but that won't keep me from reading. But I prefer thin books I can fold over.

There is no music in my life this week. Except for my neighbors.

Other people have a lot of pain too so its not like I'm different Reading Poet Be Like God, the Spicer bio, and there is a sad story about this guy that had strep and his doctor didn't pay attention to it, and he died, he was (probably) in so much pain he just drank and drank and he died of suffocation. That's what I'm doing! Hopefully I will live.

All 5 nights in Texas I did a yoga practice, I am so proud of my discipline, but I still ended up with all this awful back pain, from watching too much CSI I guess, I can't even stand the show but there is nothing to do. I should have begged my mom to let me scrub her floors or something. And so I have this awful sitting too much lower back pain. I can't get rid of it and it is awful. I went to two Yoga to the People classes today and it didn't work, but my skin looks nice. Maybe tomorrow I will feel great... sometimes it takes a while to take effect.

My relaxation techniques worked well up to a point. Up until my back started hurting and then I couldn't relax because I was in so much pain. I wonder if all the forced relaxation just forced everything to finally collapse? I just think vacations are evil. I want to always be working but at a really slow relaxed pace.

The last day in Austin my dad took me to this awful hole in the wall in East Austin, I think he thinks obscure hole in the wall places are cool, but to me, now, after my californiacation, i just want healthy. I ate this enchilada, and maybe it almost killed me, two nights in a row up with horrible indigestion. Awful, I thought I was going to die. I got one cheese enchilada: "for our vegetarian friends," so what was all the grease it was swimming in? Grease. Liesse said maybe its from the tomato sauce. I think they poured meat grease on my vegetarian enchilada. I knew with the first bite I shouldn't keep going but I did. What else was I going to do! Not eat right before my flight? I had to eat.

I did manage to quit coffee though. Worked great on vacation, I just felt kind of stoned all the time. We will see what happens at work tomorrow though. I might start crying and run to starbucks in a panic.

I keep meaning to take this album off my Ipod.

Realizing I probably need a teacher-teacher for yoga and I don't push myself very much; I stay away from issues areas, and I probably just need to be pushed there. Kind of like I need a shrink to push me into issues area and I don't go there. I probably won't. But I think, I have a theory, I can do more healing through meditation and yoga and breathing etc and allowing my body to relax, than ever talking about things... I think tension in the body is the root of all the problems, all shyness, all anxiety, all anger, um depression? maybe too. I don't know but will try it with the family this week and see if it helps. Everytime I start to get tense I will will my body to relax and see what happens. If I remember.

Was practicing drinking in preparation for Texas and it just put me under. Had two Death and Taxes' at the Burroughs celebration Naked Lunch reading, and I couldn't move the next day. Now I realize also PMS which does that too. So it is doubled.

But a cute sort of darkness.

I'm packing sort of in my mind right now, but not really actually yet.

Too tired to go to yoga tonight and told myself I'll do a home practice and I tell myself that a lot and then I don't do it, so I was determined and I moved a big huge space for it, and I did it: 5 A's and 5B's, the standing series with dolphins, the standing split series, regular splits with the lift ups into astavikrasana, then parsva bakasana (kicked a table) then dandasana, seated tree a and b, marichasana a and c; some abs (go me) and then butterfly (supta) and peacock which I can never do but... and then a corpse pose.

This was my playlist mostly. My Ipod is on alphabetical by song title and it is on B. The Lunar Drive song was actually Brrds and Bugs, there was a song called Closer I Get by Hayden, I can't find anywhere (thanks Suzanne) and this song called Bumper by Elecktronauts that I can't find either. Corpse pose song was Burn it Blue which seemed really good but maybe too emotional and lyric heavy, I tend to follow along in my head with the lyrics which is not so good for letting go...

So exhausted but trying to be exhausted in a relaxed non-stressed manner. I was really stressed all day from it and then for some reason after work something switched in my head and I decided to be nice to myself. So I went and got some Thai food instead of like eating scraps off the floor, and instead of reading intensely, hecticly on BART I even stared out the window a bit. Exhaustion is ok. You can get used to anything including no heat and no sleep.

A homeless man told me I was his favorite, I was going to say and you're mine, but thought that might not be wise... I'm a regular. On the sidewalk. I guess.

My horoscope is always a horoscope of the past.

circles and circles



Also was thinking not about that homeless man, but a different homeless man, or not homeless, just one of those guys that hangs out in cafes a lot, maybe gets disability checks or something, who knows how he makes ends meet. Jealous though. And maybe he doesn't get enough food, etc., shelter but somehow is still alive, and is reading, and I am jealous, and maybe I should just let the debt accumulate until I reach the top of the debt mountain, and then I don't know by then I will have read all the books. And thinking of the wild parrot guy and how he choose poverty over selling out to the working grind type life. Hmmm. Also, the art students near my work, I am jealous of them, but then I overheard a girl on the phone saying her class was "tedious"! She has no idea.

Sort of a geniusly engineered new moon yoga class tonight. Never had a good yoga class on a new moon, that I recall, I always feel like crap and continue to feel like crap. And I felt like crap today, but going really slow holding the poses longer, and no abs, seems to work great. Some weird new poses that I could do too and I don't know why I could do them, but that alone made me feel better. The new moon is a good day for working off bad karma. Someone was farting next to me all class long but I remember classes where I've farted all class long. Sometimes you have issues. And not giving the busker a dollar means I am overprocessing.

E. says sfyoga.com and I could live there for $600, she is on a mission to get me to move to her neighborhood... I do miss SF like crazy like it hurts. Don't think I'm quite an eastbayer. I should give it more time though. I do like the friendly and the trees. Sivananda yoga may be not my thing, but could be, I do want to do more meditation, but rarely seem to have time, but I think you get up at 5:30... If I did that now I would have time! But eventually you do have to sleep some. Wish I could just have yoga around me constantly though. Not sure what's wrong with garlic and onions? And mushrooms?

Perfect: via a.tieger's facebook post. Which was maybe a Private Facebook Situation, and I should not reveal publicly, but.



Am painting my nails a color called "Call Your Mother"

Horizontal thought encompassing more than vertical thought, versus my avoidance of taking up space.

the ecstematic unity of the horizon

The problem with doing a yoga practice twice in one day is that later and any time you are not doing yoga you are absolutely miserable. Also, I'm over-pigeoned. I don't even like pigeons, why am I always trying to be one. (And missing every poetry reading but never yoga!)

Also, something about obstacles and mandalas, and how things are placed.

A radio station for this blog post because I cannot find shrinkwrapped by sleeper on imeem. Maybe it will accidentally play it.

Dreams of trying to get people to splash me, and eating rose petals.

Read KSMohammad's Breathylyzer last week. I love the swan poem:

"In our culture many people choose to use pairs of swans
to create an undetectable total mind-controlled slave"

I hate that. Stay away from people with swans. I guess all those Lake Merritt people? Mind controllers.

Because I am perplexed and indecisive lately, wrote a really long pro/con list about what to do Saturday night and then didn't do either thing. Got lost in Berkeley, and just gave up and came home and watched this awful, awful William Burroughs film, I really think he was so awful. Not a gentle soul at all. But I liked Naked Lunch. I think in the new age, geniuses will be geniuses of nice, as well as creative geniuses too. I don't know why the nice has to be subverted when someone is highly creative. It's almost that creativity should be in the DSM? Remembering, or think I remember, my massage therapist last week was actually maybe my customer back when I was a bank teller, and we always talked about how nice she was, so nice! And it struck me how important it is for nice people to be nice, be nice be nice!!

I don't know why my body is either in so much pain from sitting too long, or in so much pain from walking too much, and why can't I ever feel ok in my body - very rarely do I reach that equilibrium. Trying to remember how I felt in my body when I was 12, no memory. I guess when there is an absence of memory, there is an absence of pain, and why we don't remember equilibriums?

If Being is an aspect of time?

I need an unorthodox idea. Daydreams are shit. This is what my horoscope says. I can only think of orthodox ideas at the moment...

Every time yoga teacher says OK now we'll do handstands, I feel like Woody Allen hands in hair Oh My God are you crazy, I am not doing that! Maybe I'm too neurotic for yoga, but I guess yoga doesn't mind... I have tons of fantasies about all the things I cannot do, they say if you can imagine it in your mind's eye one day you will be able to do it, but I'm not sure, there may be some things I can never do, because of my weird personality, my scoliosis, my bad hips...

I remember some yoga teacher once, who was also a massage therapist, said that massage is a part of your yoga practice, and I thought, oh he just wants my money, that is frivolous, and just for lazy people, and I just want to do work! Well I'm the type of lazy person that wants to work in order to prove I am not lazy! Not sure why I did it, but I knew I had today off so I called for a massage. It was so good! The whole time yelling (in a relaxed manner) at myself NO DAYDREAMING! Obsessed about being in the present moment. I didn't want to miss anything. And I did realize something about yoga. She would put like a pressure point and hold it, I could barely feel it, but it reminded me of the retention of breath thing in yoga. Then the thing I've been wondering about about, how if yoga is about relaxation, how come it seems holding the bandhas is a sort of tension? Seems contradictory, but it occurred to me maybe holding the bandhas is not a tension, but more like a retention of breath, a pause, not in time but in physicality.

Things that made me cry today after my massage:



To Write Love on Her Arms

And something else, but I can't link to a thought I had.

Also, I don't know if the public health care option actually means I can quit my crappy job, but it does mean I don't have to keep the job just for the benefits. Which is a tricky tricky way to be enslaved. Thinking about the ways I am free today and the ways I am not.

Another missed opportunity

"Parlez-vous francais?"

"Sorry."

"I'm from Africa."

"Oh."

Reviews of The Unicorns

Since I know you are google searching it, Mom:

Mike Young

Sommer Browning

That's all there is, but that is more than any other chapbook got... so yay. Thanks to Mike & Sommer. You're cool.

And since I'm feeling advertising-ish; Here are the collected links to the poems from my FORTHCOMING BOOK, The Incompossible, which will be out from the *much-hyped* Black Radish Books, in 2010.

Sous Rature,
Sir!,
Cannot Exist,
String of Small Machines

also Try! had some poems, but they are way too cool to ever have a link...

glowing golden eyes staring at me spookily.

The reason my socks are always mismatched is because all my other socks are mismatched.

My horoscope always says something about creativity lately, but I have no time.

I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing.

Started reading Stephen Ratcliffe's Idea's Mirror, and love the genre, a series of comma'ed phrases put together, kind of related in him, slightly narrative even as there is a "he" - but in my idea they would be totally unrelated fragments collaged, in my style. I have all these different short projects that really need to be collaged together. By themselves they are not enough. Overheard on the street series, work scrap series, NPR fragments, extra movie lines that didn't make it into Kine(sta)sis, the continuing diary project which is over but not over, random facebook updates, weird phrases from technical proofreading, I think that is it. Felt these things are parts of a big whole, but wasn't sure how, really. I like linking them through commas, he puts two blank lines between each line, not sure if that would work, or if it should have an appearance of prose...

Maybe my horoscope is right after all.

alpha and omega - boards of canada

Nightshift

Read so much I thought I was turning into stone.

How to continue a project when you've finished a project - there are all these hangover project poems. You can't stop and it is meaningless because to fit it into a new project it has to become something else and you must just stop and wait.

The bottoms of my feet are blue because the blue hair color washed out and I was standing in it.

Was thinking of turning the fragments from the diary into a daily one sentence entry, but then its just twittering? And I can just update facebook?

Maybe I should just write straight up poems like normal poets do.


Watch Dead Can Dance - Cantara.divx in Music  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Not sure if its yoga or the aging process, but I can't eat lactose stuff anymore, can't eat gluten, can't eat sugar, can't drink alcohol without feeling disgusting, can't eat meat, I guess all that's left is quitting coffee, and I'm shaking all the time lately, so it probably does mean that. Or I'm not eating enough. All I'm eating lately is soup for lunch, and quinoa and broccoli for dinner. Yogurt and granola for breakfast. I'm still eating chocolate, a little, in small doses, but too much doesn't do well for me either...

That weird yoga studio owner where I used to go used to say something like yoga will make your dreams come true. And I think that's silly, no one's dreams ever come true, it's propaganda for the rich I think. I always wanted to ask Why does suffering make us lucky? I don't think most yoga people think about darknesses as a sort of luck. Maybe that's what zombie pose was all about yesterday! The difference between yoga studios that cater to the rich and those (few) to the working class.

Proofreading work all weekend makes me think too much. I don't know how to get out of thinking overthinking brain mode when I'm sitting in front of the laptop and I just have to be there... I think listening to The Cure's Pornography helps a LOT though.

The Figurehead - The Cure

maybe I'll be me for halloween

(right click my big hair)














More me 20+ years ago here

Little mini-visions all day yesterday but nothing coelesced, except little rainbow lines everywhere in the air

Blog Post in the Traditional Style

Had a nice post sushiplus nap and now I am proofreading. Oddly nice just coming straight home as all last week I went to yoga after work. Every day I think. Have been doing the agni sara and could oddly touch my chest to my knee in pyramid pose. Not sure if it is the sucking in the belly or the fact that we went bottom up instead of top to bottom. If my chest is already low to the ground, it is easy to just turn. My body randomly started doing the retention of breath thing at work today. It is kind of mysterious but cool. Instead of blogging for a proofreading break I should do some crunches or something, but... Think I did too much yoga last week and I am feeling tired. Or maybe it was walking from Oakland to Berkeley Saturday. I don't know why I did that, but I wanted to see things. There are so many neighborhoods to explore in my new city. I am still missing being a San Franciscan like crazy, and don't know if I will last longer than my lease. But at least I can explore. Also, it is cleaner here, and people smile at you, so that is nice.

Saturday I walked up to Temescal looking for a chilaquile; pico paco taqueria does not have this, they are salvadorean I think. She squinted at me. The other place La Calaca has them, but only until 1, I will try next weekend. Then I walked up trying to find BookZoo. I walked from 51st to Alcatraz. I didn't know how far a walk that is. Also it was hot, and I was carrying my laptop on my shoulder. I bought a Camille Roy and a Stephen Ratcliffe, and almost a Vanessa Place but it was $15 and I don't think I quite understand the genre. Probably if I started reading it the process would teach it to me, but $15... I also had a long conversation with the daughter of the bookseller, she had a cinderella bike and was telling me all about cinderella and showing me all the different ways to ride the bike, some worked better than others. I didn't know Cinderella had friends, but there were a bunch of other people on the bike picture, slowly days later I realize they are the stepsisters. Duh. I find talking to children one of the most bizarre ways to pass time. But after that I was feeling friendly and asked the bookseller where I could get some wifi. So he pointed me in the direction of nomad cafe. It was ok, there was a very strange east bay cultural situation where I was standing by the bathroom, thinking I'm next, but no the girl sitting at the table was next, and then the girl at the other table sitting was after her, and then there was a guy sitting at another table. How do you sit at a table and still be in "a line"? Students maybe. Have unusual ways of communicating. But I worked on my manuscript for a good 2 1/2 hours or so. Black Radisher,David Wolach gave me tons of intricate notes, so I went through one by one. It took a while. I got so into it I was late leaving to go to the city, meet up with an old new college friend (blogless friend how do I link to you), and I missed his friend's reading, but made it to the next one, the CIIS reading, and the next one, the SPD reading, where I abandoned the CIIS group and went off on my own, but saw Kaya, Barbara, and Cedar, and some other cute 20 year olds. I may have stumbled across my next book idea, which will be called Poetry Reading, and is sort of a third cousin to Flarf, zlarf? Because I had to write a poem to get the free book, and of course I had to have a free book if there was a free book to be had, so I wrote lines from each of the poets, kind of collaged together. I think it came out kind of cool. My free book was a bio of Alice James.

Then Sunday I tried to go to the noon yoga to the people class but was late, I just missed the BART when I got there, and this 20 year old boy kept asking me questions: did we just miss the BART, yes we did. He likes my socks. Oh. Do I go to Berkeley. No. What am I reading. What I wrote. Maybe it was the kneesocks that made me look like I was a college student? Then I couldn't get in to the yoga class because I was 5 minutes late and they lock the door. So I went to the half price books and found an Elise Ficarra book and was carrying it around until someone asked me Do I go to State. What is up with this day? Then I went to Royal Cafe for a bit and worked on my other manuscript for a while, until it was almost time to go catch a BART again. I stopped in crossroads, and found a cool 3/4 inch sleeve MTV shirt, so 80's, but didn't buy it because the only time I wear printed shirts is for yoga - actually my favorite yoga outfit is the printed T-shirt outfit, I sometimes start to think tank tops are kind of "traditional" and I like to be different, but has to be short sleeves or I would probably die.

Then I went to Ashby, Ashby is a very exciting BART station. I found David and Sarah's place, and almost felt too shy to go in, the house reading terror, but then I heard familiar voices talking and I felt comforted. I went in and me and Sarah are the only women, and I thought that was odd. The end count was 7 women. I didn't count the men. Ending up leaving with the latest Try!, Sara's latest chap, and Julia Drescher gave me a beautifully made Lulu perfect bound called The Islands. And also CJ's Delete press chap. Beautifully made, and a weird title. I need to start making ypolita chaps again because I don't like not having something to give people. I almost wanted to get up and get my notebook to writ zlarf during the reading, but didn't, but should have because 4 people were writing in notebooks during the readings... Thought I'd try and remember but all i remember is a Julia Drescher line: "Here is an impossibility." I think I remember it right. She writes about land a lot.

Then I left and for some reason, maybe all the sitting, listening, I walked from Ashby Bart area up to Downtown Berkeley BART area, at this point my hip was starting to hurt, and also my feet. I did make it to the 5 o'clock YTTP class, thank god, but my practice was kind of rickety. I also forgot to pay. I feel bad about it. But I love that place because it is ok to forget. Then what did I do? I did not call my mother as I should have. I had A LOT to do on the computer, is how I always feel. I did not watch the movie I've had for two weeks either. I did not go grocery shopping. My feet were hurting. Thinking I really want to just quit netflix, I never watch them, and maybe I could just go to a video store when the mood hits. Sometimes watching movies alone makes me sad, or I only want to if I have an art project or book binding type things to do while I watch. But the only one semi in my neighborhood seems to be here. Not sure what kind of walk that is.

This is kind of like a John Sakkis post but without all the beautiful people. Kind of without any people.

During Paschimottanasana yesterday I was having a mulabhanda freakout, and I knew, even though I wasn't in an ashtanga class, ashtanga wanted me to try the mulabhanda checkup, lift up, which I can't find a picture of, but you lift up with your hands by your thighs, and your butt and your feet are supposed to all lift up, and the only thing touching the ground is your hands, never have I been able to do this one, and get my feet off the ground, but I did it yesterday!!!

She came up, though, I don't know why... maybe her bandhas are engaged.

Anubis

Creeley/Halou

Massachusetts

What gentle echoes,
half heard sounds
there are around here.

*

You place yourself in
such relation, you hear
everything that's said.

Take it or leave it.
Return it to a particular
condition.

Think
slowly. See
the things around you,

taking place.

*

I began wanting a sense
of melody, e.g., following
the tune, became somehow
an image, then several,
and I was watching those things
becoming in front of me.

*

The you imagined locates
the response. Like turning
a tv dial. The message,
as one says, is information,
a form of energy. The wisdom
of the ages is "electrical" imulse.

Lap of water
to the hand, lifting
up, slaps
the side of the dock --

Darkening air, heavy
feeling in the air.

*

A PLAN

On some summer day
when we are far away
and there is impulse and time,
we will talk about all this.

Oceanwide - Halou



Goodbye

Now I recognize
it was always me
like a camera
set to expose

itself to a picture
or a pipe
through which the water
might run

or a chicken
dead for dinner
or a plan
inside the head

of a dead man.
Nothing so wrong
when one considered
how it all began.

It was Zukofsky's
Born very young into a world
already very old...
The century was well along

when i came in
and now that it's ending,
I realize it won't
be long.

But couldn't it all have been
a little nicer,
as my mother'd say. Did it
have to kill everything in sight,

did right always have to be so wrong?
I know this body is impatient.
I know I constitute only a meager voice and mind.
Yet I loved, I love.

I want no sentimentality.
I want no more than home.

Meditation sometimes feels like I'm boiling a pot of water, with the top on. Where is the steam coming out? My ears? No, instead it is prana/kundalini or whatever that energy thing is, coming out of my crown chakra!

In vinyasas, it is easy to breathe in going from push up to upward facing dog, but always so hard to breathe out as you are going down into push up; I always tend to hold my breath.

Did a handstand today with the help of Michelle at Namaste Yoga in Rockridge! Love a class with lots of arm balances. Was about to quit because it is not ashtanga, but Michelle is great! I have the fear issue with handstand, so bad, and I talked to her about it, and she says it is just practice, and it took her 5 years. With all fear issues; I am reminded how true it is - you just keep putting yourself in the situation that causes fear, and eventually it dissipates, because eventually everything becomes ho-hum. You can't stay in that state forever. The problem with me tho is, I haven't gone fully into the fear, or the pose, on my own. I trepidate on the outside of it, and so I never fully experience it, and it never dissipates, because I am AVOIDING it. I'm not quite sure how to solve this issue since the fear in my body prevents me from ever entering the pose...

For those who want more pictures. Hi Dad. Obviously, pre-move, more forthcoming, with stuff, later. Maybe much later.










































Not sure why I though going to a yoga class would be invigorating and give me energy for unpacking, cuz now my abs hurt like mad, and my knee hurts, too much with the hurdler pose I think. so I just want to get back in bed!

Took the class here - good class but very yuppie area. Then across the street, lo and behold, was a library! -not the best selection, but I got my new library card. Doesn't seem the Oakland is connected to Link + though, so that is a bit of a quandry. Bookstores here though.

Then I ate here Was "OK," not the best. I'd say 3 and a half stars. I miss Tofu Huarapa Krob, I'll never find that anywhere else. :(

Then I took maybe 3 naps all in a row.

Plan on going here soon. Almost, like next door. Honey ginger coffee?? WOW.

And off to the Temescal Farmer's Market. Hungry. I need food.

My new digs!

The weirdest thing about having quit It's Yoga, I thought I'd miss parsva bakasana, astavakrasana, my almost peacock, but I don't for some reason, the weirdest thing is my ankles are constantly throbbing in disuse pain. I think it was their really long standing on one foot thing: tree, toehold, warrior 3, dinkasana, standing splits, half moon, revolving half moon, arda baddha. I must have had amazing ankle strength and that is what I miss. We seem to do enough vinyasa pushups that my arms don't crave for anything, totally satisfied. Also, happy to not have to attempt to do handstands, and elbow stands which I can't do. It is sort of a relief. Also though, I occasionally feel like I'm losing my bandhas, and they give us much less meditation time at the end, but I've been going home and having a more consistent home meditation practice. And when I'm bored at work I try to engage the bandhas, it is something to do... so. They are also, at the gym, oddly into crescent pose, i don't understand this pose! It's weird that they like it so much but I don't know why. Also, lunges, they like the lunges, and they don't seem to *do* anything.

Two epiphanies

My first epiphany being (ha!) that the body does not exist. While looking at my nose dristi, where it sort of disappears, yet can still see it also, I realized I seemingly and simultaneously do and do not exist. After this epiphany, where every time I look at my nose, I remind myself that my body does not exist, I realized that strength poses are not about strength, it is an illusion, the trick is to make your body disappear, slowly, sort of. It is through extreme relaxation, simultaneously with using your bandhas to pull everything in, and up, or whatever, and so partially you don't exist, and then you can fly.

Whenever I get very, very quiet, have my eyes closed, meditating and am really in a happy happy place but very quiet and like almost in the void, a song comes up out of that voidy happiness, and that songs seems to be this.

Six Different Ways (2006 Remastered LP Version) - The Cure

Conceptual Praise Song for the Day

After Caroline Bergvall's many Dante translations in a row: The many lineations of Elizabeth Alexander's Inaugural Poem:


Original Transcript from New York Times (seemingly no longer available unlineated)

Praise song for the day.

Each day we go about our business, walking past each other, catching each others’ eyes or not, about to speak or speaking. All about us is noise. All about us is noise and bramble, thorn and din, each one of our ancestors on our tongues. Someone is stitching up a hem, darning a hole in a uniform, patching a tire, repairing the things in need of repair.

Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.

A woman and her son wait for the bus.

A farmer considers the changing sky; A teacher says, “Take out your pencils. Begin.”

We encounter each other in words, words spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed; words to consider, reconsider.

We cross dirt roads and highways that mark the will of someone and then others who said, “I need to see what’s on the other side; I know there’s something better down the road.”

We need to find a place where we are safe; We walk into that which we cannot yet see.

Say it plain, that many have died for this day. Sing the names of the dead who brought us here, who laid the train tracks, raised the bridges, picked the cotton and the lettuce, built brick by brick the glittering edifices they would then keep clean and work inside of.

Praise song for struggle; praise song for the day. Praise song for every hand-lettered sign; The figuring it out at kitchen tables.

Some live by “Love thy neighbor as thy self.”

Others by first do no harm, or take no more than you need.

What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial, national. Love that casts a widening pool of light. Love with no need to preempt grievance.

In today’s sharp sparkle, this winter air, anything can be made, any sentence begun.

On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp -- praise song for walking forward in that light.

Joseph Harrington's excised version, or if Pound had been her editor:

Praise the Day


We walk past, catching each other’s
eyes, or not, about to speak –
All about us is

noise and bramble, thorn and din.
Someone is repairing things that need it.
Someone makes music:

a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum,
cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.
We encounter each other in words

spiny or smooth, whispered, declaimed,
words to re-consider.
We want to find a place

where we will be safe.
Say it plain: many died for this day:
Sing the names of them that brought us here,

picked the cotton, or lettuce –
praise for every hand-lettered sign
under widening light at kitchen tables.

In today’s sharp sparkling winter air,
any thing can be made, any sentence begun,
on the brink, on the brim, on the cusp,


The Beat Diaspora version with the subject title: cello, boom box, harmonica, voice


Praise Song for the Day
Elizabeth Alexander

Each day we go about our business
walking past each other,
catching each others’ eyes
or not,
about to speak or speaking.

All about us is noise.
All about us is noise and bramble,
thorn and din,
each one of our ancestors on our tongues.

Someone is stitching up a hem, darning a hole in a uniform,
patching a tire, repairing the things in need of repair.
Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden
spoons
on an oil drum.
With cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.

A woman and her son wait for the bus.
A farmer considers the changing sky.
A teacher says, “Take out your pencils. Begin.”

We encounter each other in words,
Words spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed,
Words to consider, reconsider.

We cross dirt roads and highways that mark the will of someone
and then others who said, “I need to see what’s on the other side.
I know there’s something better down the road.”
We need to find a place where we are safe.
We walk into that which we cannot yet see.

Say it plain: that many have died for this day.
Sing the names of the dead who brought us here,
who laid the train tracks,
raised the bridges,
picked the cotton and the lettuce,
built brick by brick the glittering edifices they would then keep
clean and work inside of.

Praise song for struggle. Praise song for the day. Praise song for
every hand-lettered sign.
The figuring it out at kitchen tables.
Some live by “Love thy neighbor as thy self.”
Others by first do no harm, or take no more than you need.

What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial,
national?
Love that casts a widening pool of light.
Love with no need to preempt grievance.

In today’s sharp sparkle, this winter air, anything can be made, any
sentence begun.
On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp – praise song for walking
forward in that light.


A shoe blogger's version


Praise Song for the Day by Elizabeth Alexander

Praise song for the day.

Each day we go about our business,
walking past each other,
catching each others’ eyes
or not,
about to speak
or speaking.

All about us is noise.

All about us is noise and bramble, thorn and din,
each one of our ancestors on our tongues.
Someone is stitching up a hem, darning a hole in a uniform, patching
a tire,
repairing the things in need of repair.

Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden
spoons on an oil drum.
With cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.

A woman and her son wait for the bus.

A farmer considers the changing sky.

A teacher says, “Take out your pencils. Begin.”

We encounter each other in words,
words spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed,
words to consider,
reconsider.

We cross dirt roads and highways that mark the will of someone and
then others who said, “I need to see what’s on the other side;

I know there’s something better down the road.”

We need to find a place where we are safe.
We walk into that which we cannot yet see.

Say it plain, that many have died for this day.
Sing the names of the dead who brought us here, who laid the train
tracks, raised the bridges, picked the cotton and the lettuce, built
brick by brick the glittering edifices they would then keep clean and
work inside of.

Praise song for struggle,
praise song for the day.
Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,
the figuring it out at kitchen tables.

Some live by, “Love thy neighbor as thy self.”
Others by,"First do no harm,"
or, "Take no more than you need."

What if the mightiest word is love?
Love beyond marital,
filial,
national.
Love that casts a widening pool of light.
Love with no need to preempt grievance.

In today’s sharp sparkle,
this winter air,
anything can be made,
any sentence begun.

On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp — praise song for walking
forward in that light.

And a Novelist's version (my favorite)

Praise Song for the Day
by Elizabeth Alexander

Each day we go about our business
Walking past each other
Catching each others' eyes or not
About to speak or speaking
All about us is noise
All about us is noise and bramble thorn and din
Each one of our ancestors on our tongues.

Someone is stitching up a hem
Darning a hole in a uniform
Patching a tire
Repairing the things in need of repair
Someone is trying to make music somewhere
With a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum
With cello, boombox, harmonica, voice.

A woman and her son wait for the bus
A farmer considers the changing sky
A teacher says, Take out your pencils. Begin.

We encounter each other in words
Words spiny or smooth
Whispered or declaimed
Words to consider, reconsider
We cross dirt roads and highways
That mark the will of someone and then others who said
I need to see what’s on the other side
I know there’s something better down the road
We need to find a place where we are safe
We walk into that which we cannot yet see

Say it plain
That many have died for this day
Sing the names of the dead who brought us here
Who laid the train tracks
Raised the bridges
Picked the cotton and the lettuce
Built brick by brick the glittering edifices
They would then keep clean and work inside of

Praise song for struggle
Praise song for the day
Praise song for every hand lettered sign
The figuring it out at kitchen tables

Some live by “love thy neighbor as thyself”
Others by “first do no harm” or “take no more than you need”
What if the mightiest word is love
Love beyond marital filial national
Love that casts a widening pool of light
Love with no need to preempt grievance

In today’s sharp sparkle
This winter air
Any thing can be made
Any sentence begun
On the brink
on the brim
on the cusp
Praise song for walking forward in that light.

Buddhism is Pro-Art!

from The Lotus Sutra:

If there are persons who for the sake of the Buddha
fashion and set up images,
carving them with many distinguishing characteristics,
then all have attained the Buddha way.
Or if they make things out of the seven kinds of gems,
of copper, red or white copper,
pewter, lead, tin,
iron, wood, or clay,
or use cloth soaked in lacquer or resin
to adorn and fashion Buddha images,
then persons such as these
have all attained the Buddha way.
If the employ pigments to paint Buddha images,
endowing them with the characteristics of hundredfold merit,
if they make them themselves or have others make them,
they have all attained the Buddha way.
Even if little boys in play
should use a piece of grass or wood or a brush,
or perhaps a fingernail
to draw an image of the Buddha,
such persons as these
bit by bit will pile up merit
and will become fully endowed with a mind of great compassion;
they all have attained the Buddha way.