Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I keep meaning to take this album off my Ipod.

Realizing I probably need a teacher-teacher for yoga and I don't push myself very much; I stay away from issues areas, and I probably just need to be pushed there. Kind of like I need a shrink to push me into issues area and I don't go there. I probably won't. But I think, I have a theory, I can do more healing through meditation and yoga and breathing etc and allowing my body to relax, than ever talking about things... I think tension in the body is the root of all the problems, all shyness, all anxiety, all anger, um depression? maybe too. I don't know but will try it with the family this week and see if it helps. Everytime I start to get tense I will will my body to relax and see what happens. If I remember.

Was practicing drinking in preparation for Texas and it just put me under. Had two Death and Taxes' at the Burroughs celebration Naked Lunch reading, and I couldn't move the next day. Now I realize also PMS which does that too. So it is doubled.

But a cute sort of darkness.

I'm packing sort of in my mind right now, but not really actually yet.

Too tired to go to yoga tonight and told myself I'll do a home practice and I tell myself that a lot and then I don't do it, so I was determined and I moved a big huge space for it, and I did it: 5 A's and 5B's, the standing series with dolphins, the standing split series, regular splits with the lift ups into astavikrasana, then parsva bakasana (kicked a table) then dandasana, seated tree a and b, marichasana a and c; some abs (go me) and then butterfly (supta) and peacock which I can never do but... and then a corpse pose.

This was my playlist mostly. My Ipod is on alphabetical by song title and it is on B. The Lunar Drive song was actually Brrds and Bugs, there was a song called Closer I Get by Hayden, I can't find anywhere (thanks Suzanne) and this song called Bumper by Elecktronauts that I can't find either. Corpse pose song was Burn it Blue which seemed really good but maybe too emotional and lyric heavy, I tend to follow along in my head with the lyrics which is not so good for letting go...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

So exhausted but trying to be exhausted in a relaxed non-stressed manner. I was really stressed all day from it and then for some reason after work something switched in my head and I decided to be nice to myself. So I went and got some Thai food instead of like eating scraps off the floor, and instead of reading intensely, hecticly on BART I even stared out the window a bit. Exhaustion is ok. You can get used to anything including no heat and no sleep.

A homeless man told me I was his favorite, I was going to say and you're mine, but thought that might not be wise... I'm a regular. On the sidewalk. I guess.

My horoscope is always a horoscope of the past.

circles and circles

Also was thinking not about that homeless man, but a different homeless man, or not homeless, just one of those guys that hangs out in cafes a lot, maybe gets disability checks or something, who knows how he makes ends meet. Jealous though. And maybe he doesn't get enough food, etc., shelter but somehow is still alive, and is reading, and I am jealous, and maybe I should just let the debt accumulate until I reach the top of the debt mountain, and then I don't know by then I will have read all the books. And thinking of the wild parrot guy and how he choose poverty over selling out to the working grind type life. Hmmm. Also, the art students near my work, I am jealous of them, but then I overheard a girl on the phone saying her class was "tedious"! She has no idea.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sort of a geniusly engineered new moon yoga class tonight. Never had a good yoga class on a new moon, that I recall, I always feel like crap and continue to feel like crap. And I felt like crap today, but going really slow holding the poses longer, and no abs, seems to work great. Some weird new poses that I could do too and I don't know why I could do them, but that alone made me feel better. The new moon is a good day for working off bad karma. Someone was farting next to me all class long but I remember classes where I've farted all class long. Sometimes you have issues. And not giving the busker a dollar means I am overprocessing.

E. says and I could live there for $600, she is on a mission to get me to move to her neighborhood... I do miss SF like crazy like it hurts. Don't think I'm quite an eastbayer. I should give it more time though. I do like the friendly and the trees. Sivananda yoga may be not my thing, but could be, I do want to do more meditation, but rarely seem to have time, but I think you get up at 5:30... If I did that now I would have time! But eventually you do have to sleep some. Wish I could just have yoga around me constantly though. Not sure what's wrong with garlic and onions? And mushrooms?

Perfect: via a.tieger's facebook post. Which was maybe a Private Facebook Situation, and I should not reveal publicly, but.

Am painting my nails a color called "Call Your Mother"

Horizontal thought encompassing more than vertical thought, versus my avoidance of taking up space.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

the ecstematic unity of the horizon

The problem with doing a yoga practice twice in one day is that later and any time you are not doing yoga you are absolutely miserable. Also, I'm over-pigeoned. I don't even like pigeons, why am I always trying to be one. (And missing every poetry reading but never yoga!)

Also, something about obstacles and mandalas, and how things are placed.

A radio station for this blog post because I cannot find shrinkwrapped by sleeper on imeem. Maybe it will accidentally play it.

Dreams of trying to get people to splash me, and eating rose petals.

Read KSMohammad's Breathylyzer last week. I love the swan poem:

"In our culture many people choose to use pairs of swans
to create an undetectable total mind-controlled slave"

I hate that. Stay away from people with swans. I guess all those Lake Merritt people? Mind controllers.

Because I am perplexed and indecisive lately, wrote a really long pro/con list about what to do Saturday night and then didn't do either thing. Got lost in Berkeley, and just gave up and came home and watched this awful, awful William Burroughs film, I really think he was so awful. Not a gentle soul at all. But I liked Naked Lunch. I think in the new age, geniuses will be geniuses of nice, as well as creative geniuses too. I don't know why the nice has to be subverted when someone is highly creative. It's almost that creativity should be in the DSM? Remembering, or think I remember, my massage therapist last week was actually maybe my customer back when I was a bank teller, and we always talked about how nice she was, so nice! And it struck me how important it is for nice people to be nice, be nice be nice!!

I don't know why my body is either in so much pain from sitting too long, or in so much pain from walking too much, and why can't I ever feel ok in my body - very rarely do I reach that equilibrium. Trying to remember how I felt in my body when I was 12, no memory. I guess when there is an absence of memory, there is an absence of pain, and why we don't remember equilibriums?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

If Being is an aspect of time?

I need an unorthodox idea. Daydreams are shit. This is what my horoscope says. I can only think of orthodox ideas at the moment...

Every time yoga teacher says OK now we'll do handstands, I feel like Woody Allen hands in hair Oh My God are you crazy, I am not doing that! Maybe I'm too neurotic for yoga, but I guess yoga doesn't mind... I have tons of fantasies about all the things I cannot do, they say if you can imagine it in your mind's eye one day you will be able to do it, but I'm not sure, there may be some things I can never do, because of my weird personality, my scoliosis, my bad hips...

I remember some yoga teacher once, who was also a massage therapist, said that massage is a part of your yoga practice, and I thought, oh he just wants my money, that is frivolous, and just for lazy people, and I just want to do work! Well I'm the type of lazy person that wants to work in order to prove I am not lazy! Not sure why I did it, but I knew I had today off so I called for a massage. It was so good! The whole time yelling (in a relaxed manner) at myself NO DAYDREAMING! Obsessed about being in the present moment. I didn't want to miss anything. And I did realize something about yoga. She would put like a pressure point and hold it, I could barely feel it, but it reminded me of the retention of breath thing in yoga. Then the thing I've been wondering about about, how if yoga is about relaxation, how come it seems holding the bandhas is a sort of tension? Seems contradictory, but it occurred to me maybe holding the bandhas is not a tension, but more like a retention of breath, a pause, not in time but in physicality.

Things that made me cry today after my massage:

To Write Love on Her Arms

And something else, but I can't link to a thought I had.

Also, I don't know if the public health care option actually means I can quit my crappy job, but it does mean I don't have to keep the job just for the benefits. Which is a tricky tricky way to be enslaved. Thinking about the ways I am free today and the ways I am not.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Another missed opportunity

"Parlez-vous francais?"


"I'm from Africa."


Sunday, November 08, 2009

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Reviews of The Unicorns

Since I know you are google searching it, Mom:

Mike Young

Sommer Browning

That's all there is, but that is more than any other chapbook got... so yay. Thanks to Mike & Sommer. You're cool.

And since I'm feeling advertising-ish; Here are the collected links to the poems from my FORTHCOMING BOOK, The Incompossible, which will be out from the *much-hyped* Black Radish Books, in 2010.

Sous Rature,
Cannot Exist,
String of Small Machines

also Try! had some poems, but they are way too cool to ever have a link...

Thursday, November 05, 2009

glowing golden eyes staring at me spookily.

The reason my socks are always mismatched is because all my other socks are mismatched.

My horoscope always says something about creativity lately, but I have no time.

I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing. I miss writing.

Started reading Stephen Ratcliffe's Idea's Mirror, and love the genre, a series of comma'ed phrases put together, kind of related in him, slightly narrative even as there is a "he" - but in my idea they would be totally unrelated fragments collaged, in my style. I have all these different short projects that really need to be collaged together. By themselves they are not enough. Overheard on the street series, work scrap series, NPR fragments, extra movie lines that didn't make it into Kine(sta)sis, the continuing diary project which is over but not over, random facebook updates, weird phrases from technical proofreading, I think that is it. Felt these things are parts of a big whole, but wasn't sure how, really. I like linking them through commas, he puts two blank lines between each line, not sure if that would work, or if it should have an appearance of prose...

Maybe my horoscope is right after all.

alpha and omega - boards of canada

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Monday, November 02, 2009

Read so much I thought I was turning into stone.

How to continue a project when you've finished a project - there are all these hangover project poems. You can't stop and it is meaningless because to fit it into a new project it has to become something else and you must just stop and wait.

The bottoms of my feet are blue because the blue hair color washed out and I was standing in it.

Was thinking of turning the fragments from the diary into a daily one sentence entry, but then its just twittering? And I can just update facebook?

Maybe I should just write straight up poems like normal poets do.

Watch Dead Can Dance - Cantara.divx in Music  |  View More Free Videos Online at

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Not sure if its yoga or the aging process, but I can't eat lactose stuff anymore, can't eat gluten, can't eat sugar, can't drink alcohol without feeling disgusting, can't eat meat, I guess all that's left is quitting coffee, and I'm shaking all the time lately, so it probably does mean that. Or I'm not eating enough. All I'm eating lately is soup for lunch, and quinoa and broccoli for dinner. Yogurt and granola for breakfast. I'm still eating chocolate, a little, in small doses, but too much doesn't do well for me either...

That weird yoga studio owner where I used to go used to say something like yoga will make your dreams come true. And I think that's silly, no one's dreams ever come true, it's propaganda for the rich I think. I always wanted to ask Why does suffering make us lucky? I don't think most yoga people think about darknesses as a sort of luck. Maybe that's what zombie pose was all about yesterday! The difference between yoga studios that cater to the rich and those (few) to the working class.

Proofreading work all weekend makes me think too much. I don't know how to get out of thinking overthinking brain mode when I'm sitting in front of the laptop and I just have to be there... I think listening to The Cure's Pornography helps a LOT though.

The Figurehead - The Cure