Newest fetishes:

Guys with topknots

straight guys who carry book satchels

asian guys walking alone with their bicycles

every fluffy dog in the universe

seaweed

bok choy

going back full time to an ashtanga studio (I'll save money when I'm dead)

replacing my sweets fetish with a salty fetish

Me and mom looking for water.

Mom: Bushes like this, they grow by the water.
Me: I see a glistening!

Mom teaching me to fish.

MOM: You take the salmon egg and put it on the hook, you push in on the bobber. Carrie, you're going to have to move. You reel it in like this, when you go to cast it in you push this in so the line will go out. I don't think there's any fish here. Rainbow trout looks just like a rainbow but there is a trout that looks just like these rocks. Next time I'm going to buy some waders.

Me: Look that tree fell over there, halfway, but the other tree caught it.

Mom: OK just one more time then we're going to move.

A beach with other peoples shoes. I want to follow the path because its safer.

Me: Let's keep catching rocks.

MOM: It's too shallow.

ME: Let's go eat some trout & I'll pretend you caught it.

(Year of the Hailstorm)

ME: There's a fisherman.

MOM: He's flyfishing.

ME: See how he's standing up elevated away from the water. You should do that.

MOM: Carrie, I'm not taking you fishing with me again.

ME: I really don't like the wilderness, mom. Why don't you ask the fisherman for advice?

MOM:I don't need no man for nothing.

Places I peed today

My house
Asta Yoga
La Cumbre
Mission Creek Cafe
Jubilee Hair Studio
Safeway

Kinda glad I'm out of Oakland tonight, but kinda wish I was in Oakland tonight. I want to be where the action is. Hard to know what to say but it isn't right. Too bad you always have to fight so hard against the world.

Was talking to someone in the cafe today, and she was a library activist, or something. On the board of directors for the library? Is that a thing? She saw a library book in my bag and started asking me which library and how do I like it! I said SF Main, better than Oakland, because the selection is better, and they have Link +. She didn't know what Link + was so I told her and she asked me if I was "in research"! I said no, I'm a poet, I have to. So then she was impressed and told me I must have a great command of the English language and I said "yeah." That is all we get. Then it occurred to me how most of us or a lot of us do work equivalent to someone "in research," but I bet they get paid. And why do we do it we are insane.

Have to say, despite Silliman's views on W.S. Merwin, I like him. He may be conservative, but I don't feel like "school of quietude." There is a spirituality in him that I dig. I connect school of quietude with like backyard barbecues and mundanity, domesticity, but he is never mundane. I like all the spaces that the lack of punctuation creates. I checked out The Lice tonight and Sorry, Tree. The insides look similar except Myles uses more periods.

Also played my records tonight. The first song was Power Station, then Katrina and the Waves, then Bonnie Tyler. Roommate didn't seem to be annoyed and told me to be as loud as I want! She can sleep through anything. Sweet. I'm in the big room, stealing internet from someone, our is *pending.*

To get the key we had to get past the dog, wade through the river, wake up an old angry woman, return to the under room, place buckets over our heads, send a bunch of text messages, get into a dead man's email account, win over the one-armed bandits, engross ourselves in a particular historical period, hunt down the serial numbers, sing the song off-key, pay a lot of money, present our identification cards, live our whole lives in Germany.


















I kind of hate EMI because they won't let me make my blog pretty.


Totally silent!

The cheap acupuncture is great and I am almost healed, but completely out of cash, even though only $15, its $15 and I went 6 times. I'm trying not to live on credit so that means I'm really hungry. Rice and beans, rice and eggs, quinoa and okra. It's like that. Had a great day being poor the day before payday though. Went to the SF Library, (I still can not get into the Oakland library, they don't even have Link +) and checked out TEN books, I guess I hadn't been in a while and they got a lot in. Totally got my I need to fill the void consumption fix without spending any money. Bhanil Khapil's Incubation A Space for Monsters, Deleuze and The Fold: A Critical Reader (haven't read The Fold, but whatevs), Zachary Schomburg's Scary, No Scary, Sarah Menefee's I'm not thousandfurs, Sheila E Murphy's Incessant Seeds, Tony Tost's Complex Sleep, Ish Klein's Union!, Steve Benson's Blue Book, Niedecker's Harpsichord & Salt Fish, and Mac Low's Bloomsday. I'm having a four days off vacation, two of which will be in airports/airplanes. I will try to read them all, but also have so much poetry transcribing work I want to do. I still can't do everything I want even on vacation. I also want to eat A LOT of food.

Reading

Forgot to mention:

A New Cadence Poetry Series

Presents

Carrie Hunter
and
Nicole Mauro

reading from their works

Saturday, April 24th
@ 7:30
Felix Kulpa Gallery
107 Elm Street, Santa Cruz, CA
Free



I'll be reading from A Musics, and the new Dusie 4 chapbook, Diary, as well as from my forthcoming! book from Black Radish Books, The Incompossible, and some new stuff. All very quickly. And on pink paper, because I forgot I used all the white...

Have been writing at poetry readings either a keepsake momento, poetry notes, or a textual bootleg... At the Dunagan, Morris, Grabowski reading last week, in my notes all three made references to either teleportaion, telepathy or ghosts. It's all in my notes! I want to say so new college, but only one of them went to new college. But so our group, someone name us.

Went to another acupuncture on Thursday, it is funny because I am not totally aware that it is a bad area,it seems ok, but working class, but I am so the only white chick on the bus and the only reason I notice is because everyone is looking at me oddly, not badly, but curiously. By Fruitvale something or other. I think the acupuncture hurts me because I am in so much pain in general it just hurts no matter what. There was one spot to the side of my shin, it felt like it was hitting a nerve or something, stinging. I should have told her so she could adjust it but that seemed to entail a lot of energy that I didn't have. After a while it went away so I think it was a chi thing. But even now when I touch that spot and massage it I feel it in my feet, and I've been feeling random weird sensations in my shins area, something is going on. I guess it's good. I told her the last time after the acupuncture I was wiped out I napped twice that day and was so lethargic all week, so she said she had a feeling it wouldn't be that way this time, but that acupuncture takes away the energy style you put over your real energy style (not verbatim) and your real energy or the energy your supposed to be comes in to effect. So apparently I'm supposed to have the energy of a tree stump. That actually sort of rings true, because sitting in like a 6 hour meditation for me seems so so doable. Some people could never sit still that long, but I feel like no problem (except for peeing). But I don't know how to have that kind of lifestyle and also pay rent. Fantasizing about quitting my job and sleeping in the park for 3 months straight. (Not really, bosses who are reading this, I LOVE my job! Really I don't think there is anyone more qualified to interpret IRS language than someone who has studied obscure language poetry.)

Last night my gmail got hacked, sorry people who I haven't talked to in years that don't want to hear from me, then all my electricity went out - I had the IPOD playing, the heater on, and the microwave, and then I couldn't find the fuse box. So after eating dinner in the dark, I called the landlord, and texted him, and he called me back at 10PM on a Friday night, so 5 stars on yelp for that! Then I found it and kept flipping it but nothing happened. So he said he'll have someone come out in the morning. So what else to do but go to sleep. So I put my headphones in and IPODed for a while and slept. Then he calls at 8:46 am to ask if it is still not working and so i go out barefoot and crazy haired and it is still not working. He says he can't get a hold of the contractor and is stuck in the city but will come by later but he is not sure what time. So OK. I go back to sleep and have a weird memory/dream of having to hit the reset button first, a childhood memory when I used to have to fix the braker, breaker? So I go back out there and there is another switch that is on the off position. So I flip it and everything comes on, magic. Then there is a burning smell. But it is ok. Just the heater flipped out I think. And magically the hall light that I thought had been burned out for months that I just ignore, is now on. Weird. Why do I write out strange narratives like this, I think it is metaphoric of my exhaustion somehow. I need to find the braker switch on my body.

Then because I hadn't wanted to shower in darkness, I'd decided to come to the city all dirty to go do yoga at Crunch, and then shower there where they have light. So even though the light was now on, I stuck with my plan. Everyone was smiling at me and it took me a while to realize I look like I'd come from a one night stand in last night clothes or something, greasy hair, with a frizzed out tuft sticking up in the back...

An Oakland vs Mission story:

Walking home on Telegraph last night and this guy says hi so I say hi, then he says Bitch, then he says it over and over again with different variations. Ok. I don't understand. Should I be a bitch and then he will think I'm nice? Or he just wanted to call me a bitch from the beginning and there is nothing I could do to change his mind.

Came out of BART 24th St station, and this guy says you should smile more often, like he is aware of how I do not often smile, so of course I smile, I can't help it, and then we have a chatty friendly conversation.

Although there is now a bike argument in the cafe. Arguing because he is a regular and dude has never said it to him before. No bikes in the cafe. On weekends. But weekdays are ok. I love this cafe because it is incredibly spacious and I can always get a seat, but the owners are a little uptight and unfriendly.

I think/hope writing on my laptop for hours in a Mission cafe is as restful as sleeping and napping all day. Maybe more so, going to finish (maybe) up my Delueze-Guattarian new age-music poems. I think maybe writing might be the only thing to give me an energy...

Acupuncturist said: What your pulse is telling me is that you're worn out.

I know I know. Then I realized I really really am. Went for foot pain (plantar fasciitis) on my right foot. She started on the top of my head (please don't pierce my brain!) then the wrists, then the shins, and several in the feet. They say it doesn't hurt but it did kindof. A few piercing jolty things, I may have gasped once, also was hungover and think it may have me swollenish and so overreacting. Maybe it won't happen next time. She kept telling me to breathe while she was doing it because I'm so nervous. I'm sorry I'm like that, world. Every situation.

Even though it was all about my right foot, strangely when the needles were in for a bit, my left hip started hurting, right where I used to have a pain that happened being drug across a garden holding on to a pit bull's collar (trying to protect my 16 year old collie), then my whole left leg started tingling in a weird way. Kind of reminded me of that tension I felt in my body the one time I took a yin yoga class and I thought I was going to scream and pull out all my hair. Please let me move! I guess it is an anxiety tension releasing? I guess I shouldn't do things hungover, because I thought I had enough money but I didn't and it is sliding scale cash only, that you slip in an envelope, so I didn't pay enough! I feel awful and hope they will let me come back if I pay up! Then I came home and took the best nap of my life. Woke up and had that yummy happy muscles feeling like after yoga. But I haven't had yoga. Then I went to walgreens, and came home, and took another nap, how can anyone sleep so much! I'm still so exhausted. Maybe now another nap I will call regular sleep.

New Chapbook!

Cute, right? Music poems, poems written to music, with a little Adorno thrown in, for fun. Shaped like a 45!

LINK to CLICK

Not my favorite Glove song, but there is not much. Got a remastered version CD that has the demo's, and all the songs she sings, he is singing, but differently. I like it a lot better.

Getting a little bored with my recent penchant for nostalgia though. I think for a while the past was the only "new" I could afford, but I want some real "new" now I think. Not that I can afford it much, maybe a little...

I think I am back to blogging every Sunday. It is a nice device, but I have SO many Sunday devices.

Was working on the computer all day, and had a weird computer exhaustion, plus PMS exhaustion. I took a very powerful 15 minute nap. It was so deep, right as I was falling asleep I heard this sound, like a dream sound, but mechanical, and maybe reminiscent of twilight zone or something. Which is where I think I may have gone. Then a dream voice, the kind of dream voice that wakes you up startled, startled that it might be real, says to me, and I only heard the end of the sentence: "...every piece of you." I don't know if it is a request, a demand, or a promise.

I bought a novel today for a dollar. Completely shocking to even me. But this is what the back says:

The disheveled girl with the transfusion came to join the group.

"Waiting for birds?"

"They already passed," answered the frail man on the bench with a smile that outlined the tiny wrinkles in the corners of his eyes and around his lips.

"A sand storm?"

"No: the light is healing. Today we can see all of its seven colors. The sky is brimming with the same strength that we've come to lack."


SPD has it so it must be cool~ (clickable)










Carrying around three different types of cough syrup but I don't have a cough. I have a cold though but it is ok. At least I'm not coughing, may stay home from work and sleep tomorrow. The licorice tea is great when you have this particular type of illness. My ear is doing the phlegm-poppy thing. Didn't want to go to yoga because it makes people mad when you go to yoga sick, so I went to the yoga to the people near berkeley campus, students are supposed to be miserable, so I think its ok. Also they haven't formed too many opinions yet, seemingly. I don't want to eat anything but a bowl of jasmine rice with licorice tea.

Publishing news:





















My chapbook is now an e-chapbook, The Unicorns. All about the Tenderloin. Kind of scabby, cracked out unicorns. There was a sighting at Jones and O'Farrell. I swear. Also a river of vomit so voluminous it had a current. Almost magical vomit.

And second thing is House Press is putting out a chapbook of my music poems, A Musics, I hear it will be shaped like a 45. Can't wait to see it!

My feet are killing me again. I should've taken the 1 back to my house from the post office. I want a car. I never wanted a car in years. Today was a vacation day but I'm back at work tomorrow. I got up 10 minutes later and left the house at 8:30 instead of 8:20, to go to Berkeley and talk to someone at UC Berkeley Extension about adult teaching certification. It seems cool but mom doesn't want me to spend all that money and still not get a teaching job, like what happened with my TESOL cert. I don't know either but part of the program is a required 4 semesters of teaching, so I imagine if you are in the program, people know you need to be hired, and maybe want to hire you? I have no idea. The woman said they do not have job placement, but the teachers can help, they've been in the business for years, etc, and she gave me a list of Adult Schools in the area. I should call some and see how the job market is, probably bad right now. Their classes are all on the weekend so it'd be pretty easy.

Then I went to eat a muffin and drink decaf. People look at me like I'm insane when I order decaf before noon. I want to simulate awakeness. I like not shaking all the time, so I don't really want to go back. I did a layout for the next ypolita book, still need to print it out though, because I'm not sure about the spacing, this book is a very space conscious book. Then I transcribed 11 Word pages worth of poetry bootlegs, as I'm calling them (4 different readings). Started writing a play. Created a new folder in My Documents called Oakland poems. Then I went and ate some Thai vegetarian. Then I called my mom and walked around. Then I ate some plain frozen yogurt with bananas, and I ordered all my Diary pages for my Dusie 4 book. Then I went to Kinkos and made a go-by 1 sided to 2 sided, with images. Now I have to make sure I like it and then print off or copy I mean how many copies? 50? Then I went to the post office and mailed off some chaps and picked up my package - which was The Concher, yes I bought it more for the chocolate. Then I walked way too long with a huge load on my shoulder, no wait first I went to Walgreens, bought scouring pads, eyebrow pencil (my eyebrows are driving me insane!) contact lens case (I lost mine at crunch I think) bagel chips (craving salt) and a Coke (BAD). Then I walked miserably home. Then I did something for 30 minutes I don't know what. Very important I'm sure. Reorganized my bags, and took out my laptop, got the big stupid marc jacobs bag I bought for my '08 poetry readings, put my other two bags in it, and headed to the city. I took back the stupid bag and even though I bought it on my Nordstroms card I said can you put it back to my debit card, so now my rent check won't bounce yay. Then I went to Asta Yoga, took Nicole's class and felt the yoga bliss like only halfway through. Then I tried to go to Azteca, used to be my favorite enchiladas anywhere, but it doesn't exist anymore, it is a Please Wait to be Seated place now. Horrors! I stood in front of it like a few pauses too long going huh. So instead I went to Casa Mexicana, which is ok, pretty good actually, mole sauce. Then I went to Books & Bookshelves for the Kelsey St Press reading. A lot a lot of people. Very long reading, standing room only, lasted until 10. I wrote more poetry bootlegs. A lot. Wrote 10 pages in my itsy bitsy palm sized notebook. It got very very tiring, writing so much and thinking so much, but I kept at it, obsessively. Traded David H three of Logan's chaps for three chaps (Dusie '06 (OMG!) In Fortune-Levin/Stanley/Theis, Rachel Levitsky-Cartographies of Error, Rob Halpern-Weak Link). Bought two book books (Dolores Dorantes-Sexopurosexoveloz and Septiembre, and Susan Gevertz-Black Box Cutaway (Kelsey st press!)) and tried to buy his Your Wilderness & Mine, but he wouldn't let me pay. David! Heard another good line on Bart for the Play. Now I'm going to sleep that was a hectic vacation!

Three days of head splitting headaches, morning, noon and night, and then I remember my nose spray, and it instantly dissipates. I missed two of my favorite classes because of it. Also, a possibly related exhaustion. Had a quad pain, a upper right arm pain, and then I walked so much Friday night that I feel that the bottoms of my feet are bruised. Then I went to a very crowded heat vinyasa class yesterday I had to switch my mat perpendicular to the others and kept getting kicked on one side, and this girl's fluffy hair all over my other side (why couldn't she move back - top of the mat doesn't have to be literal!)

I'm out of licorice tea and I can't think of any random health food store in Oakland besides Whole Foods. I'm really much more into going to the no name places - support the locals and all, but there might not be any around here. Joined ANOTHER credit union, instead of using ING for savings, was thinking why use any bank at all when I can go to a credit union. I'm surprised anyone still has their money in those bad banks; chase, b of a, wells. Why? Take it out! I think its similar to how there is a line to the door at Starbucks, and then the no name cafe two doors down, no line ever, plus they are totally nicer. No one knows about it.

One of my yoga teachers said a quote from Deepak Chopra and I liked it so I went and checked out a DC book, I am such a dork, but it has a nice heart meditation in it that I've been doing. It is very easy to feel heart sensations as you meditate, much more than third eye, or the kundalini thing. Then he said people who are commitment phobic and often fall for unavailable men (my favorite story), the real reason is they feel that there is no possibility of a connection to God (or Spirit=whatever), that it is unreachable. Oh, and that love is hopeless. Hmmm.

Goodreads reviews 2009

"I wonder how many of us realize that ours is the only country to have ever actually used WMD." I'm pretty sure I thoroughly enjoyed this, but that was over a week ago. Blushing on BART... This was one of the most amazing, beautiful poetries on grief I've ever read. Plan on reading this one over and over. I like how these poems about art look like visual arts in themselves... I like the subject matter- viewing Dickinson through a buddhist lens - but the way he writes it is really annoying, cloyingly sappy, etc. "she saw him as a stoic of what is left out" Absolutely terrifying. This shit is whack/wack(y)- I kept reading the blurbs over and over but I don't think I understand. The secret, I suspect, is you must find the lavender bedroom, and maybe go into the closet where the unicorn is (like narnia,) and then everything will be revealed. Where is the lavender bedroom and who is this rude girl?verging on philosophy, piecharts of "reality" = deep there are moments that seem, personal, personal moments of isolation or alienation, mixed with this sort of professional or jargony language that also reeks of alienation, also a good bit of I don't understand but I love it, also the word "eyelets"Really cool subject matter, I would never have thought about this subject matter as a subject matter, and even cooler is at the center of the subject matter is a mystery, and so you aren't even sure what you are reading about exactly. The beginning of a study, so much untapped into, although also, rather anglo-centric. Maybe some new academic will expand (or maybe has?)this study to include african or asian systems of memory...This might be about to go into a very special bookshelf called books that have fallen into the bath and are too sopping wet to read. I was still trying to figure out what expedient means means when it expediently, or unexpediently, fell. Oddly, the cover is curling up so it looks like a scroll...hmmmm, mystical. Kind of like those 2 almost identical pictures on the comics page where it says Can you find 8 things that are different? I think I found maybe 4. I like how this book starts out very linear and straightforward, and then slowly becomes more and more unreadable or at least very difficult. Kind of like my life. So genius! One of those - why didn't I think of this - kinds of things... I checked this out entirely based on the author photo. poems after the dali lamas (all of them, I think) really strange and normal at the same time. Mine is blue, and backwards. On my very last day of yoga at the yoga studio that I just broke up with, I propped this book up behind my mat, and used it as a point of focus, and kept repeating like the native tongue the vanquished like the native tongue the vanquished like the native tongue the vanquished like the native tongue the vanquished like the native tongue the vanquished until I sort of understood what it meant. My favorite is #10. Very addictive. Total cliffhanger ending. When is the sequel? sped read in 30 minutes, which probably means I didn't really like it, yes? Its like a story, is my problem. When I'm expecting something poetry like but instead get a story, it is horrifying. I am so conservative in my desire for poetry to just be poetry. I should move back to Texas.Much more specific than the last dali lama book I read which was sort of pop psychology or something, this is very specific explanation of the buddhist belief and the steps laid out to enlightenment. Geniuses. in the genre of that sort of abstract-ish, static, opaque, bunch of one-syllable words all in a row, type poetic styles, but then occasionally all the sudden a very lyrical and human human line arises. Seems to be about an intersection between nature and technology and maybe an absence of the human but just occasionally a glimpse of the human (still here a little). Hmmm, a literary Behind the Green Door? Less stars for the gnoetry. I just can't get into computer generated... Loved Julia Drescher, Erica Lewis, and CJ Martin. Also really liked the Editor's note about the etymology of "pelican." Very 90's, alien abductions, Trust No One! I had a nightmare after reading this. mystical sad sweet and erotic. I prolonged finishing this one as long as possible... Hijacking my own comment for a review: Kind of not poetry, but not really prose. Kind of a narrative but not really. And the subject matter, which I thought might depress me, has so far only intrigued. But as I read further it got sadder, which is weird as its in reverse chronological order, like a blog, and so things technically get better as you go along, but maybe it is sadder when you are starting to lose your memory than when you have totally lost it. This book made me want to go rearrange my books and put all my elizabeth treadwell books together so I can just go over take them all out and like rub them all in my hair or something. post modern neo romanticism. A revisioning of the past of the old of the passed. Micah's got a musciality you don't see much anymore. I think he's figured out a way to write in a way that is pre-postmodern without being not post modern. Very cool. Definitely too short, and I still don't understand boys. So weird!

total 165 books read, only 9 of which were prose...

I did yoga four days in a row and I don't even feel anything. Not tired, not blissed. I think I could go again today. But I should probably do an errand. But last night, at Asta yoga I did the tripod headstand transition to bakasana without putting my feet down first. Although I kind of cheated and I really do balasana not bakasana, because I think of my abnormally long legs (compared to my short short torso) I have to have the knees sticking out or there is too much leg to put behind me. I also got help on the handstand but it didn't really work out, I wish the middle part of my body was not so heavy. I think I'm too fat for this pose. But I really love how Asta has super mushy carpet, it actually feels safer than It's Yoga, and I think I'm just barely afraid. I think it will get me over my fears.

Watched this movie seemingly all about annoying people getting in your personal space.



I think my aesthetics are not to make things more ugly, aren't they ugly enough? Saw the last half of an Andy Warhol documentary at the museum and feel more inspired by him. He never showed a wrinkle on anyone, etc. Like also how he was always working but it was art. Wish my life was that. Instead of always working but its work.

My new year's resolution was not to stop blogging. I kept talking all December long how I couldn't wait for my January flu, because last year I got a flu and it was wonderful, but then I got sick but it wasn't the flu and it wasn't wonderful. asthma and a painful cough that never becomes "productive" - weird illness. I didn't make any resolutions really but I made a list of nostalgias. Dyed my hair cherry chocolate mousse. It is already fading out though. My plot to return to Mission. Asta Yoga in the old style I love. Reading an Anne Rice book until the middle of the night, except I fell asleep. Vintage clothes shopping at Clothes Contact. Was looking at all the old weird 60's and 70's outfits, and how I used to wear psychedelic outfits as my everyday outfit. Don't think I have the nerve anymore! I love that place though because it is by the pound, I bought two very light things and it was around $3.

Dreamt of an old friend who I used to have a crush on, but he always had a girlfriend. He was a Scorpio, I think they like to have secrets. So it was like almost dating when we would hang out, but not. It was confusing. He would talk about how he was in a loveless relationship, and I never understood or understand why people like that never leave. Fear I think. I wanted him to break up with her and date me and I think he wanted us to hook up first and feel safe before breaking up. But I never would have felt comfortable with that. Then it was like a two confused people standoff, and we just wandered off. I'm always alone and it is not horrible, so I don't understand that fear. Funny. The fear of being in a relationship is probably more. When would I write! Or blog. I like all the "things" I do, but I think I developed them to fill the void.

Oh, maybe 4 days of yoga did do something, who is blogging in the 7 AM hour?

For some reason the whole time my mom was here this week, I kept thinking we were like in Grey Gardens. My middle-aged spinster ass in weird outfits and her widowed, and oddly talkative. But Southern. We kept having all these long conversations about things neither one of us can quite remember.

Everytime I walk past my refrigerator I start laughing:

"Give me something to give in to.
It will be weird. It will be so weird." --Mike Young

Reza's class must have been really good because I can't even finish half my butternut squash raviolis. There is always something really creative in his class that I would never have thought of. We were climbing/leaning against the side of a wall in half moon pose and it helped a lot to get my shoulder back, which never wants to move. It is weird that Crunch yoga is more creative than studio yoga. Silvie too, once had us doing lunges but with the top of our back foot on the ground - it looked hard but wasn't and felt great. Also, opposite of my studio yoga experiences, where the longer I went there the more invisible I seemed to become, at Crunch, the more they see me, the more the more I get adjustments! Which is really the only reason to ever even go to yoga...

Seems like the old studio is mostly dead, but a few of the former teachers started a new studio in the same style I hear. Looks like even with carpet. I want to go but then I'm suspicious for some reason, that weird harshness - now that I'm away from it, I can see it more clearly, they are so tough. Also since I left The City I just see SF as really tough and harsh too (except Mission!) but I do miss the funky poses, and I guess the funkiness of the city, I miss that too (but not the funky smell).

I was just reading from a book with this quote:

"The fact is, I have been dead so long & it has been simply such a grim shoving of the hours behind me as I faced a ceaseless possible horror, since that hideous summer of '78, when I went down to the deep sea, its dark waters closed over me & I knew neither hope nor peace; that now it's only the shrivelling of an empty pea pod that has to be completed." Too bad I'm not depressed this winter, or good thing!

Dreamt I was eating a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Tom Clark's house and it wasn't very good but I kept eating it out of politeness, and then this girl with a huge white cat in her arms called up to Tom can she come in with her cat, and he said no.

I'm also reading Sheila E Murphy's 600 page book of poems called "Collected Chapbooks". The concept itself or the very fact that this exists is worth the price.

From My Sister's Blue Accordion:

All my life she has been simple, cheerful and athletic
as I slaved over the yellowed texts of Garibaldi,
Boehm and Hindemith.
I rehearsed in steamy practice rooms
as she stood effortlessly in yards of beer and hotdogs,
performing personality like a habit
smiling past my smiles.

Makes me sad and happy at the same time. Like what a twisty perfect way to describe the bittersweet path of poetry...

Took a class at the gym called Absolution, (I first typed Abomination-they should rename it) - and it is so not yoga. The guy was like a marine yelling out stuff, and faster faster, at 15 minutes I felt done, but that was only half-way. Then at the end we did something called "Throw downs" where I was lying down, and dude made me hold on to his ankles and I would left up my legs and he would grab my ankles and then he would throw them down, and I had to use my abs to bring them back up, I did 7 and then I was shaking so much it was hard to do 10 but I did them anyway. It was gross too because his socks were wet. Why was he sweating that much!

It took me like an hour to get out of bed today. But I look FLAT STOMACH! And its weird because its the top that hurts, but that makes me pull it in far and so the bottom part which is usually pouffy is not because of the top being pulled in so much. Maybe that is the secret. Also, we did some plank stuff which I didn't think was too bad, but I woke up in the middle of the night with this awful pain in my left hand and it was like this orange glowing line of pain that went all the way up my arm to my shoulder. I rubbed it for a while and it went away and then it came back and I rubbed it again, and then I fell asleep. If you google search "cardiac arrest" the first thing that comes up is Brittany Murphy. I think it was either the plank poses, or maybe the abs stuff was a little too much and i was using my neck. Bad Bad, I know.

I dreamt I had to do proofreading that was due on Christmas, so I was in a panic. But I don't have to do anything. My mom is here and we are going to walk around Berkeley, or Temescal, or Piedmont Ave, or Lake Merritt. Christmas Eve (tomorrow?) we will go to Grace Cathedral, she says there is poetry...

It was sunny and bright and blue skies, and then it rained and rained and I think it might be my fault because I have been listening to Sisters of Mercy all day.



I think I had some sort of creepy guy crush on him in high school. I don't know what was wrong with me. He seems like he probably has a lot of issues.

I did three loads of laundry and printed about 70 copies of Logan's book. Met my neighbor "Scott." Came back in and realized I had my skirt on inside out. I still haven't turned it right-side out. A very domestic day. But busy printing, and sorting, and folding, etc. Spent some time at vector magic, was having vector problems, but it looks cool, kind of like when Professional sites try to look DIY, but it really is DIY, so it is DIY trying to look like a Professional who is trying to do the DIY look. Um. Logan's book is the first where I have transitioned from using a real ink stamp pad for my Y logo, to having scanned it in, and so it is a scan of a real ink stamp. How selling out am I? Also I couldn't find green ink, like off the cuff, so this is easier.


Read AnnMarie Eldon's Some2; is there a place where her genre and Will Alexander's genre intersect. I think, maybe. Sciency surrealism stuff... Do I just want to write the word Loxodrome? Yes.

Had an epiphany about my anger and my sexuality, not sure if it is a happy thought, but I think anger is sexuality. And when I'm stopping my anger I'm stopping my sex drive, and that is why I have all these blocks... But then I started thinking about how rape is supposedly "not about sex" but it is sex, and so, then, isn't it? Maybe passion isn't anger but energetically its cousin, and sometimes people get confused by it. Reading Dalai Lama in the bathroom. I really dig the antidote stuff, he says letting out anger is really never good, but that also anger will increase if you never "implement the antidote." Certain people that anger seeps out of, and are seemingly unconscious about the fact that they are angry, it is because they are not applying the antidote. I suppose consciousness has to come first though, then the antidote can be applied. The only thing I am not too keen on in his philosophy (so far) is he is entirely against euthanasia, and I've been told by my mother that I have to pull the plug if it ever comes to that. Not necessarily euthanasia, but still, it seems if you are relieving suffering, how is that bad? For him, he says all suffering is the result of previous bad karmas, and you have to live it out. Seems a little arbitrary, medicine is OK, he says relieve suffering as much as possible, but this next step of relieving suffering is not OK. Hmmm.

My favorite lifestyle choice is eating by myself in a restaurant with a really difficult book. You would see a lot of women eating by themselves in Mission, but in East Bay I am always the only one. Or I'm the only one in the restaurant. I felt like maybe I should acquiesce to the culture here and take to go, but then maybe East Bay needs to acquiesce to me! Maybe women secretly want to eat alone, but are afraid, and maybe seeing me will empower them.

There are two stores walking distance from my place that are totally cool to just wander through on my way past:

East Bay Depot for Creative Reuse

and

Sagrada

I did all my holiday shopping at Sagrada. Yule-tide shopping I guess I should say. I want to just wander through some weekend day and read about chakras. They had a bunch of chakra books. I think I feel them lately, I feel them moving, and I feel all this yoga energy moving up and down too. mostly moving up.

Maybe I'll move to Japan and teach ESL, maybe I'll move to Dubai, I think I could make a shitload teaching ESL in Dubai, I've heard. I guess its not exactly like SF there... I wonder how it is for a woman, I heard its a party city, which sounds fun, but I'm not sure how well ESL teaching and partying it up really go together. I probably would prefer a more intellectual city. Like Berkeley, or Buffalo. Maybe I'll finally apply to Phd school, maybe I'll read Guattari and Deleuze. Right after I finish the Spicer bio.

I'm thinking of going to a chiropractor, still having a tingly thing in the middle of my back. It is better, and we did scapula exercises in yoga last night, which helped but didn't fix entirely. I know my hips are out of alignment and something is off in my neck, I can tell because every time I do a backbend something in my neck like falls into place.

I wanted to be surreptitious today, but I can't find my black bra.