Enjoying the new focus on the primary series at Asta lately. Realizing how focusing the series is, compared with the Rocket series, which seems to be more about increasing kundalini, firing you up. But too much Rocket leaves you with too much energy just going everywhere. Nice to be able to come back to the primary in order to put all that energy into a specific direction. Was having the whole I have 18 writing projects at once thing, but that doesn't lead anywhere. Picking one to focus on at a time. Also, reading, I currently have 27 books checked out of the library. So I made a reading plan too.

All quoted words from the forthcoming The Incompossible from Black Radish books

“Opinions”
“All tropes are clouds.”
“it”
“it”
“the general?”
“pre-existence”
“among.”
“if.”
“Being”
“He wouldn’t actually drive the saucer.”
“without.”
“pretend”
“Nightmare-Heaven.”
“See, she’s a witch.”
“natural”
“left”
“two.”
“Apprehend”
“Temporary Ravine”
“I feel like I’m in a movie.”
“beginning.”
“I know she’s lying.”
"You must change the form of your practice."

Thinking about how if the life force comes from mulabhanda, and when on our periods, our energy is completely churning away in that area, then maybe it is not a curse at all, but makes us luckier? So I've been trying to turn my cramp pain into kundalini bliss all day. It kind of works if I concentrate really, really hard. But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up. Definitely need a nap. Also, finally agree not to do inversions, because my period has been lasting 7 days instead of 5 lately, and ew. I guess they're right about that.

Reading the third translation of Patanjali that I've read. The first one was translated by Swami Prabhavananda and Christopher Isherwood, one of my teachers was reading it so I read it, the second one was translated by Chip Hartranft, I don't think I liked this one because I thought it was "too easy" and "armchair enlightenment." (This is what I said on goodreads.)So now I am reading Sri S. Satchidananda's translation. This is the one, the cover I see most people have if I see people with a Patanjali. I also checked out the Mircea Eliade book on Patanjali, a more historical study.

Had the thought in the middle of a rather intense yoga class, or regular yoga class, but I was doing it intensely, that Ashtanga is a form of shamanism. Like we are out in the desert on a vision quest, haven't slept for 36 hours, are tripping on some weird-ass drug, and there is some nut there trying to lead us through it. Funny, people who are drawn to meditation and yoga because of the "relaxation" thing, they don't know, and I think I was one of them initially, that it has to take you through hell first. It is not ease, confronting the self. And even if you don't think that is what you are doing, it tricks it out of you, and it becomes what you are doing. The people who can't handle it are the ones that drop out, or go sporadically. I don't know that I am actually confronting the self, I think I am starting to, and in the past the confronting the self thing made me evasive within my own practice. I am still evasive but becoming more aware of what I am doing, and so evading less, I think.

When I'm feeling "unglamorous" sweater totally lopsided and no possibility to ever right it, scoliosis apparent, like I'm the hunchback of notre dame, right foot dragging behind me, I remember I'm a poet, I'm supposed to be fucked up, and I feel better.

Bought a book from a former classmate at new college on the $1 rack outside modern times. Should I tell him or not??? I'd read it from the library so I'm actually happy I actually own it now. also bought some 70's paperback for the cover. (Something about her wicked wicked ways) Thinking of my upcycling next and last dusie chap. Not sure if it will match the project I'm thinking of though.

Tea is cheaper than coffee, generally nowadays. Poets are all going to become tea drinkers. Coffee is for yuppies.

Confused about kundalini vs chi. Are they working at cross purposes? I'm not sure but I think kundalini coming up from the sex, at least in women, is inner inner even more inside than inside, whereas chi moments in acupuncture, seem to be entirely on the surface of the skin, or even hovering slightly outside, like an aura. So maybe they are complementary. Though I realize one comes from China and one from India...?

Thank you Veterans for giving me a day off.

I realized that I'm so uninterested in this construct continually dug up by other people in which "lyric" is split off and set up against "experiment." I can't even be bothered to protest it, for protest would just give it credence, in a way. I am interested in the signature and the mouth and throat. I am interested in how ear and throat receive language.

--Erin Moure

Every time I walk down Oakwood street I have a beautiful moment. Every single time.

Had a very writerly day. After walking around for an hour in the rain with my skirt inside out, I came home and mostly haven't left since (except for a stroll on Oakwood). Finished making the layout for Jill Stengal's new chap "and i would open", that I am doing. Settled on a cover design and a color. Then I got the proof for my Book-Book The Incompossible. So I printed the whole thing out to reread, read it, and then sent off my comments and then now I am writing a blog entry. Drank two glasses of white zinfandel but strawberry flavored that my coworker gave me. I also spent some time "categorizing."

I have not read every single poem Poetry Foundation has on its website, but maybe 60%? Well actually, not that I look, they have over 9000 poems, so probably not even 10%! Anyway, here are two good ones.



Alice Notley

Spicer

This weather, first cold day, makes me feel spiritual and pure. Like I want to only drink water and eat very little. But it might be the medicine.

Anyone who couldn't afford (or didn't want to afford) my arrow as aarow chapbook A Musics, can read an excerpt at Little Red Leaves. A slightly different, earlier version is on the LRL webzine.

My yoga practice is becoming terrifying, but that is the only place left to go if I don't want to stagnate.

Learned about the Dum Dum Girls at the hairdresser.



Getting over a silly little illness, trying to figure out correct dosages.

Reading Kevin Killian, Leland Hickman, Nietzsche, Olson, Vendler on Dickinson, The Power of Now, Zibechi and Brian Teare.

Went to a few Litquake readings. Sweated. Matt Hart freaked me out. Really loud, like a male Dorthea Lasky. Thinking about how Bay Area poets maybe need to use emotion as part of our poetics a little more. We are so repressed and embarrassed. Maybe we are too "cool."

Watched Bluebeard. I think she maybe changed the ending.

Maybe giving up netflix and greencine, in favor of Faye's. Great deals, and a block away. They have a thing called Pick 12, that has a theme and changes every week. This week's theme was Rebel With a Cause, and you can get one free with another video.

I did pincha mayurasana, with Teacher's help, lots of help, terrifying, but I'm hoping he'll keep helping me up there and keep holding my legs up! I don't know how I'll ever be able to do that on my own.





















Poetry Book is in it's finalizing stages. I think the cover is really super cool, and am really excited to see it, eventually.

Been home sick for 4 days, including weekend, and what I really want to do is just read in bed, but I haven't really, though I slept a lot, and sweat a lot, and watched some movies, from Faye's, and drank a lot of syrupy things. I think I have too much to read, and the pile is too big, and I'm overwhelmed and I just look at it.

Third Day of Autumn

sundress, leggings, flats

or

tennis shoes, rolled up jeans, tank top

or

a-line skirt, clogs, tank top

or

shorts, baggy tank top, sandals

or

shorts, flip flops, t-shirt

or

tank, jeans, flip flops

Rene said "Pain is not pain, pain is tapas." I looked it up and tapas does not actually mean pain, but something like right effort. So OK. I had pain but it was cool. The difference between neurotic pain and pain through effort. I totally get that.

And I learned the name to my favorite pose and I didn't know it had a name:

Upavistha Konasana Uth Pluthi.

Do a google search and you will get nothing, but it is real.

Reading the Power of Now and doing the thing where you stop thinking and just being in the now, and everytime I relax so much I fall over and I don't think I should do it while walking. But then for the first time in months I had a moment where I was like OMG I'm happy, and there is no reason for it. So nice, I think it works.

I liked today how Rene says Ashtanga may be one of the hardest yoga practices there are, but it corresponds to how hard the world is. Such a satisfying sentence to hear. Not like some other yoga teachers who say bliss bliss and everyone is happy and all is good. Um, no, look outside! I don't think so.

Realized if I push on my foot in the hurt tendon place in my foot while in half lotus, that totally makes my painful lotus hip issues relax relax, and are they connected?

Reading tonight at a house reading in Oakland, my first house reading. I hope I don't get in a fight. and then Tuesday in SF at the Idiolexicon series. It's like I'm just passing through the bay area on a reading tour and getting in both side of the bay. I'm thinking tonight will be more lyrical and deep stuff and Tuesday more funny, just because Elliot Harmon is funny.

The cafe I am in is playing Si Se. I think.

Going to acupuncture in a moment, which I just learned I can pay for with my FSA card. So maybe my nervous will not be so bad tonight! 4 people so pressure is off somewhat...

Was thinking I'm trying to do two forms of healing simultaneously, that might be counteracting each other. One - ashtanga heals through fire - burning it out of you- raising your frequency, and the other - massage/acupuncture heals through extreme relaxation but really opening up the spaces through a quietness. Not sure if they work against each other or with each other, but in class today Rene says that yoga is for opening you up also, so maybe both are different way of opening. I think all stress and bad mental states comes from too much body tightness, which leads to mental tightness, restriction, constriction, nothing can flow, and the life force can't get to any of the places. Open open open is relaxing relaxing is healing.

Newest fetishes:

Guys with topknots

straight guys who carry book satchels

asian guys walking alone with their bicycles

every fluffy dog in the universe

seaweed

bok choy

going back full time to an ashtanga studio (I'll save money when I'm dead)

replacing my sweets fetish with a salty fetish

Me and mom looking for water.

Mom: Bushes like this, they grow by the water.
Me: I see a glistening!

Mom teaching me to fish.

MOM: You take the salmon egg and put it on the hook, you push in on the bobber. Carrie, you're going to have to move. You reel it in like this, when you go to cast it in you push this in so the line will go out. I don't think there's any fish here. Rainbow trout looks just like a rainbow but there is a trout that looks just like these rocks. Next time I'm going to buy some waders.

Me: Look that tree fell over there, halfway, but the other tree caught it.

Mom: OK just one more time then we're going to move.

A beach with other peoples shoes. I want to follow the path because its safer.

Me: Let's keep catching rocks.

MOM: It's too shallow.

ME: Let's go eat some trout & I'll pretend you caught it.

(Year of the Hailstorm)

ME: There's a fisherman.

MOM: He's flyfishing.

ME: See how he's standing up elevated away from the water. You should do that.

MOM: Carrie, I'm not taking you fishing with me again.

ME: I really don't like the wilderness, mom. Why don't you ask the fisherman for advice?

MOM:I don't need no man for nothing.

Places I peed today

My house
Asta Yoga
La Cumbre
Mission Creek Cafe
Jubilee Hair Studio
Safeway

Kinda glad I'm out of Oakland tonight, but kinda wish I was in Oakland tonight. I want to be where the action is. Hard to know what to say but it isn't right. Too bad you always have to fight so hard against the world.

Was talking to someone in the cafe today, and she was a library activist, or something. On the board of directors for the library? Is that a thing? She saw a library book in my bag and started asking me which library and how do I like it! I said SF Main, better than Oakland, because the selection is better, and they have Link +. She didn't know what Link + was so I told her and she asked me if I was "in research"! I said no, I'm a poet, I have to. So then she was impressed and told me I must have a great command of the English language and I said "yeah." That is all we get. Then it occurred to me how most of us or a lot of us do work equivalent to someone "in research," but I bet they get paid. And why do we do it we are insane.

Have to say, despite Silliman's views on W.S. Merwin, I like him. He may be conservative, but I don't feel like "school of quietude." There is a spirituality in him that I dig. I connect school of quietude with like backyard barbecues and mundanity, domesticity, but he is never mundane. I like all the spaces that the lack of punctuation creates. I checked out The Lice tonight and Sorry, Tree. The insides look similar except Myles uses more periods.

Also played my records tonight. The first song was Power Station, then Katrina and the Waves, then Bonnie Tyler. Roommate didn't seem to be annoyed and told me to be as loud as I want! She can sleep through anything. Sweet. I'm in the big room, stealing internet from someone, our is *pending.*

To get the key we had to get past the dog, wade through the river, wake up an old angry woman, return to the under room, place buckets over our heads, send a bunch of text messages, get into a dead man's email account, win over the one-armed bandits, engross ourselves in a particular historical period, hunt down the serial numbers, sing the song off-key, pay a lot of money, present our identification cards, live our whole lives in Germany.


















I kind of hate EMI because they won't let me make my blog pretty.


Totally silent!

The cheap acupuncture is great and I am almost healed, but completely out of cash, even though only $15, its $15 and I went 6 times. I'm trying not to live on credit so that means I'm really hungry. Rice and beans, rice and eggs, quinoa and okra. It's like that. Had a great day being poor the day before payday though. Went to the SF Library, (I still can not get into the Oakland library, they don't even have Link +) and checked out TEN books, I guess I hadn't been in a while and they got a lot in. Totally got my I need to fill the void consumption fix without spending any money. Bhanil Khapil's Incubation A Space for Monsters, Deleuze and The Fold: A Critical Reader (haven't read The Fold, but whatevs), Zachary Schomburg's Scary, No Scary, Sarah Menefee's I'm not thousandfurs, Sheila E Murphy's Incessant Seeds, Tony Tost's Complex Sleep, Ish Klein's Union!, Steve Benson's Blue Book, Niedecker's Harpsichord & Salt Fish, and Mac Low's Bloomsday. I'm having a four days off vacation, two of which will be in airports/airplanes. I will try to read them all, but also have so much poetry transcribing work I want to do. I still can't do everything I want even on vacation. I also want to eat A LOT of food.

Reading

Forgot to mention:

A New Cadence Poetry Series

Presents

Carrie Hunter
and
Nicole Mauro

reading from their works

Saturday, April 24th
@ 7:30
Felix Kulpa Gallery
107 Elm Street, Santa Cruz, CA
Free



I'll be reading from A Musics, and the new Dusie 4 chapbook, Diary, as well as from my forthcoming! book from Black Radish Books, The Incompossible, and some new stuff. All very quickly. And on pink paper, because I forgot I used all the white...

Have been writing at poetry readings either a keepsake momento, poetry notes, or a textual bootleg... At the Dunagan, Morris, Grabowski reading last week, in my notes all three made references to either teleportaion, telepathy or ghosts. It's all in my notes! I want to say so new college, but only one of them went to new college. But so our group, someone name us.

Went to another acupuncture on Thursday, it is funny because I am not totally aware that it is a bad area,it seems ok, but working class, but I am so the only white chick on the bus and the only reason I notice is because everyone is looking at me oddly, not badly, but curiously. By Fruitvale something or other. I think the acupuncture hurts me because I am in so much pain in general it just hurts no matter what. There was one spot to the side of my shin, it felt like it was hitting a nerve or something, stinging. I should have told her so she could adjust it but that seemed to entail a lot of energy that I didn't have. After a while it went away so I think it was a chi thing. But even now when I touch that spot and massage it I feel it in my feet, and I've been feeling random weird sensations in my shins area, something is going on. I guess it's good. I told her the last time after the acupuncture I was wiped out I napped twice that day and was so lethargic all week, so she said she had a feeling it wouldn't be that way this time, but that acupuncture takes away the energy style you put over your real energy style (not verbatim) and your real energy or the energy your supposed to be comes in to effect. So apparently I'm supposed to have the energy of a tree stump. That actually sort of rings true, because sitting in like a 6 hour meditation for me seems so so doable. Some people could never sit still that long, but I feel like no problem (except for peeing). But I don't know how to have that kind of lifestyle and also pay rent. Fantasizing about quitting my job and sleeping in the park for 3 months straight. (Not really, bosses who are reading this, I LOVE my job! Really I don't think there is anyone more qualified to interpret IRS language than someone who has studied obscure language poetry.)

Last night my gmail got hacked, sorry people who I haven't talked to in years that don't want to hear from me, then all my electricity went out - I had the IPOD playing, the heater on, and the microwave, and then I couldn't find the fuse box. So after eating dinner in the dark, I called the landlord, and texted him, and he called me back at 10PM on a Friday night, so 5 stars on yelp for that! Then I found it and kept flipping it but nothing happened. So he said he'll have someone come out in the morning. So what else to do but go to sleep. So I put my headphones in and IPODed for a while and slept. Then he calls at 8:46 am to ask if it is still not working and so i go out barefoot and crazy haired and it is still not working. He says he can't get a hold of the contractor and is stuck in the city but will come by later but he is not sure what time. So OK. I go back to sleep and have a weird memory/dream of having to hit the reset button first, a childhood memory when I used to have to fix the braker, breaker? So I go back out there and there is another switch that is on the off position. So I flip it and everything comes on, magic. Then there is a burning smell. But it is ok. Just the heater flipped out I think. And magically the hall light that I thought had been burned out for months that I just ignore, is now on. Weird. Why do I write out strange narratives like this, I think it is metaphoric of my exhaustion somehow. I need to find the braker switch on my body.

Then because I hadn't wanted to shower in darkness, I'd decided to come to the city all dirty to go do yoga at Crunch, and then shower there where they have light. So even though the light was now on, I stuck with my plan. Everyone was smiling at me and it took me a while to realize I look like I'd come from a one night stand in last night clothes or something, greasy hair, with a frizzed out tuft sticking up in the back...

An Oakland vs Mission story:

Walking home on Telegraph last night and this guy says hi so I say hi, then he says Bitch, then he says it over and over again with different variations. Ok. I don't understand. Should I be a bitch and then he will think I'm nice? Or he just wanted to call me a bitch from the beginning and there is nothing I could do to change his mind.

Came out of BART 24th St station, and this guy says you should smile more often, like he is aware of how I do not often smile, so of course I smile, I can't help it, and then we have a chatty friendly conversation.

Although there is now a bike argument in the cafe. Arguing because he is a regular and dude has never said it to him before. No bikes in the cafe. On weekends. But weekdays are ok. I love this cafe because it is incredibly spacious and I can always get a seat, but the owners are a little uptight and unfriendly.

I think/hope writing on my laptop for hours in a Mission cafe is as restful as sleeping and napping all day. Maybe more so, going to finish (maybe) up my Delueze-Guattarian new age-music poems. I think maybe writing might be the only thing to give me an energy...

Acupuncturist said: What your pulse is telling me is that you're worn out.

I know I know. Then I realized I really really am. Went for foot pain (plantar fasciitis) on my right foot. She started on the top of my head (please don't pierce my brain!) then the wrists, then the shins, and several in the feet. They say it doesn't hurt but it did kindof. A few piercing jolty things, I may have gasped once, also was hungover and think it may have me swollenish and so overreacting. Maybe it won't happen next time. She kept telling me to breathe while she was doing it because I'm so nervous. I'm sorry I'm like that, world. Every situation.

Even though it was all about my right foot, strangely when the needles were in for a bit, my left hip started hurting, right where I used to have a pain that happened being drug across a garden holding on to a pit bull's collar (trying to protect my 16 year old collie), then my whole left leg started tingling in a weird way. Kind of reminded me of that tension I felt in my body the one time I took a yin yoga class and I thought I was going to scream and pull out all my hair. Please let me move! I guess it is an anxiety tension releasing? I guess I shouldn't do things hungover, because I thought I had enough money but I didn't and it is sliding scale cash only, that you slip in an envelope, so I didn't pay enough! I feel awful and hope they will let me come back if I pay up! Then I came home and took the best nap of my life. Woke up and had that yummy happy muscles feeling like after yoga. But I haven't had yoga. Then I went to walgreens, and came home, and took another nap, how can anyone sleep so much! I'm still so exhausted. Maybe now another nap I will call regular sleep.

New Chapbook!

Cute, right? Music poems, poems written to music, with a little Adorno thrown in, for fun. Shaped like a 45!

LINK to CLICK

Not my favorite Glove song, but there is not much. Got a remastered version CD that has the demo's, and all the songs she sings, he is singing, but differently. I like it a lot better.

Getting a little bored with my recent penchant for nostalgia though. I think for a while the past was the only "new" I could afford, but I want some real "new" now I think. Not that I can afford it much, maybe a little...

I think I am back to blogging every Sunday. It is a nice device, but I have SO many Sunday devices.

Was working on the computer all day, and had a weird computer exhaustion, plus PMS exhaustion. I took a very powerful 15 minute nap. It was so deep, right as I was falling asleep I heard this sound, like a dream sound, but mechanical, and maybe reminiscent of twilight zone or something. Which is where I think I may have gone. Then a dream voice, the kind of dream voice that wakes you up startled, startled that it might be real, says to me, and I only heard the end of the sentence: "...every piece of you." I don't know if it is a request, a demand, or a promise.

I bought a novel today for a dollar. Completely shocking to even me. But this is what the back says:

The disheveled girl with the transfusion came to join the group.

"Waiting for birds?"

"They already passed," answered the frail man on the bench with a smile that outlined the tiny wrinkles in the corners of his eyes and around his lips.

"A sand storm?"

"No: the light is healing. Today we can see all of its seven colors. The sky is brimming with the same strength that we've come to lack."


SPD has it so it must be cool~ (clickable)










Carrying around three different types of cough syrup but I don't have a cough. I have a cold though but it is ok. At least I'm not coughing, may stay home from work and sleep tomorrow. The licorice tea is great when you have this particular type of illness. My ear is doing the phlegm-poppy thing. Didn't want to go to yoga because it makes people mad when you go to yoga sick, so I went to the yoga to the people near berkeley campus, students are supposed to be miserable, so I think its ok. Also they haven't formed too many opinions yet, seemingly. I don't want to eat anything but a bowl of jasmine rice with licorice tea.

Publishing news:





















My chapbook is now an e-chapbook, The Unicorns. All about the Tenderloin. Kind of scabby, cracked out unicorns. There was a sighting at Jones and O'Farrell. I swear. Also a river of vomit so voluminous it had a current. Almost magical vomit.

And second thing is House Press is putting out a chapbook of my music poems, A Musics, I hear it will be shaped like a 45. Can't wait to see it!

My feet are killing me again. I should've taken the 1 back to my house from the post office. I want a car. I never wanted a car in years. Today was a vacation day but I'm back at work tomorrow. I got up 10 minutes later and left the house at 8:30 instead of 8:20, to go to Berkeley and talk to someone at UC Berkeley Extension about adult teaching certification. It seems cool but mom doesn't want me to spend all that money and still not get a teaching job, like what happened with my TESOL cert. I don't know either but part of the program is a required 4 semesters of teaching, so I imagine if you are in the program, people know you need to be hired, and maybe want to hire you? I have no idea. The woman said they do not have job placement, but the teachers can help, they've been in the business for years, etc, and she gave me a list of Adult Schools in the area. I should call some and see how the job market is, probably bad right now. Their classes are all on the weekend so it'd be pretty easy.

Then I went to eat a muffin and drink decaf. People look at me like I'm insane when I order decaf before noon. I want to simulate awakeness. I like not shaking all the time, so I don't really want to go back. I did a layout for the next ypolita book, still need to print it out though, because I'm not sure about the spacing, this book is a very space conscious book. Then I transcribed 11 Word pages worth of poetry bootlegs, as I'm calling them (4 different readings). Started writing a play. Created a new folder in My Documents called Oakland poems. Then I went and ate some Thai vegetarian. Then I called my mom and walked around. Then I ate some plain frozen yogurt with bananas, and I ordered all my Diary pages for my Dusie 4 book. Then I went to Kinkos and made a go-by 1 sided to 2 sided, with images. Now I have to make sure I like it and then print off or copy I mean how many copies? 50? Then I went to the post office and mailed off some chaps and picked up my package - which was The Concher, yes I bought it more for the chocolate. Then I walked way too long with a huge load on my shoulder, no wait first I went to Walgreens, bought scouring pads, eyebrow pencil (my eyebrows are driving me insane!) contact lens case (I lost mine at crunch I think) bagel chips (craving salt) and a Coke (BAD). Then I walked miserably home. Then I did something for 30 minutes I don't know what. Very important I'm sure. Reorganized my bags, and took out my laptop, got the big stupid marc jacobs bag I bought for my '08 poetry readings, put my other two bags in it, and headed to the city. I took back the stupid bag and even though I bought it on my Nordstroms card I said can you put it back to my debit card, so now my rent check won't bounce yay. Then I went to Asta Yoga, took Nicole's class and felt the yoga bliss like only halfway through. Then I tried to go to Azteca, used to be my favorite enchiladas anywhere, but it doesn't exist anymore, it is a Please Wait to be Seated place now. Horrors! I stood in front of it like a few pauses too long going huh. So instead I went to Casa Mexicana, which is ok, pretty good actually, mole sauce. Then I went to Books & Bookshelves for the Kelsey St Press reading. A lot a lot of people. Very long reading, standing room only, lasted until 10. I wrote more poetry bootlegs. A lot. Wrote 10 pages in my itsy bitsy palm sized notebook. It got very very tiring, writing so much and thinking so much, but I kept at it, obsessively. Traded David H three of Logan's chaps for three chaps (Dusie '06 (OMG!) In Fortune-Levin/Stanley/Theis, Rachel Levitsky-Cartographies of Error, Rob Halpern-Weak Link). Bought two book books (Dolores Dorantes-Sexopurosexoveloz and Septiembre, and Susan Gevertz-Black Box Cutaway (Kelsey st press!)) and tried to buy his Your Wilderness & Mine, but he wouldn't let me pay. David! Heard another good line on Bart for the Play. Now I'm going to sleep that was a hectic vacation!

Three days of head splitting headaches, morning, noon and night, and then I remember my nose spray, and it instantly dissipates. I missed two of my favorite classes because of it. Also, a possibly related exhaustion. Had a quad pain, a upper right arm pain, and then I walked so much Friday night that I feel that the bottoms of my feet are bruised. Then I went to a very crowded heat vinyasa class yesterday I had to switch my mat perpendicular to the others and kept getting kicked on one side, and this girl's fluffy hair all over my other side (why couldn't she move back - top of the mat doesn't have to be literal!)

I'm out of licorice tea and I can't think of any random health food store in Oakland besides Whole Foods. I'm really much more into going to the no name places - support the locals and all, but there might not be any around here. Joined ANOTHER credit union, instead of using ING for savings, was thinking why use any bank at all when I can go to a credit union. I'm surprised anyone still has their money in those bad banks; chase, b of a, wells. Why? Take it out! I think its similar to how there is a line to the door at Starbucks, and then the no name cafe two doors down, no line ever, plus they are totally nicer. No one knows about it.

One of my yoga teachers said a quote from Deepak Chopra and I liked it so I went and checked out a DC book, I am such a dork, but it has a nice heart meditation in it that I've been doing. It is very easy to feel heart sensations as you meditate, much more than third eye, or the kundalini thing. Then he said people who are commitment phobic and often fall for unavailable men (my favorite story), the real reason is they feel that there is no possibility of a connection to God (or Spirit=whatever), that it is unreachable. Oh, and that love is hopeless. Hmmm.

Goodreads reviews 2009

"I wonder how many of us realize that ours is the only country to have ever actually used WMD." I'm pretty sure I thoroughly enjoyed this, but that was over a week ago. Blushing on BART... This was one of the most amazing, beautiful poetries on grief I've ever read. Plan on reading this one over and over. I like how these poems about art look like visual arts in themselves... I like the subject matter- viewing Dickinson through a buddhist lens - but the way he writes it is really annoying, cloyingly sappy, etc. "she saw him as a stoic of what is left out" Absolutely terrifying. This shit is whack/wack(y)- I kept reading the blurbs over and over but I don't think I understand. The secret, I suspect, is you must find the lavender bedroom, and maybe go into the closet where the unicorn is (like narnia,) and then everything will be revealed. Where is the lavender bedroom and who is this rude girl?verging on philosophy, piecharts of "reality" = deep there are moments that seem, personal, personal moments of isolation or alienation, mixed with this sort of professional or jargony language that also reeks of alienation, also a good bit of I don't understand but I love it, also the word "eyelets"Really cool subject matter, I would never have thought about this subject matter as a subject matter, and even cooler is at the center of the subject matter is a mystery, and so you aren't even sure what you are reading about exactly. The beginning of a study, so much untapped into, although also, rather anglo-centric. Maybe some new academic will expand (or maybe has?)this study to include african or asian systems of memory...This might be about to go into a very special bookshelf called books that have fallen into the bath and are too sopping wet to read. I was still trying to figure out what expedient means means when it expediently, or unexpediently, fell. Oddly, the cover is curling up so it looks like a scroll...hmmmm, mystical. Kind of like those 2 almost identical pictures on the comics page where it says Can you find 8 things that are different? I think I found maybe 4. I like how this book starts out very linear and straightforward, and then slowly becomes more and more unreadable or at least very difficult. Kind of like my life. So genius! One of those - why didn't I think of this - kinds of things... I checked this out entirely based on the author photo. poems after the dali lamas (all of them, I think) really strange and normal at the same time. Mine is blue, and backwards. On my very last day of yoga at the yoga studio that I just broke up with, I propped this book up behind my mat, and used it as a point of focus, and kept repeating like the native tongue the vanquished like the native tongue the vanquished like the native tongue the vanquished like the native tongue the vanquished like the native tongue the vanquished until I sort of understood what it meant. My favorite is #10. Very addictive. Total cliffhanger ending. When is the sequel? sped read in 30 minutes, which probably means I didn't really like it, yes? Its like a story, is my problem. When I'm expecting something poetry like but instead get a story, it is horrifying. I am so conservative in my desire for poetry to just be poetry. I should move back to Texas.Much more specific than the last dali lama book I read which was sort of pop psychology or something, this is very specific explanation of the buddhist belief and the steps laid out to enlightenment. Geniuses. in the genre of that sort of abstract-ish, static, opaque, bunch of one-syllable words all in a row, type poetic styles, but then occasionally all the sudden a very lyrical and human human line arises. Seems to be about an intersection between nature and technology and maybe an absence of the human but just occasionally a glimpse of the human (still here a little). Hmmm, a literary Behind the Green Door? Less stars for the gnoetry. I just can't get into computer generated... Loved Julia Drescher, Erica Lewis, and CJ Martin. Also really liked the Editor's note about the etymology of "pelican." Very 90's, alien abductions, Trust No One! I had a nightmare after reading this. mystical sad sweet and erotic. I prolonged finishing this one as long as possible... Hijacking my own comment for a review: Kind of not poetry, but not really prose. Kind of a narrative but not really. And the subject matter, which I thought might depress me, has so far only intrigued. But as I read further it got sadder, which is weird as its in reverse chronological order, like a blog, and so things technically get better as you go along, but maybe it is sadder when you are starting to lose your memory than when you have totally lost it. This book made me want to go rearrange my books and put all my elizabeth treadwell books together so I can just go over take them all out and like rub them all in my hair or something. post modern neo romanticism. A revisioning of the past of the old of the passed. Micah's got a musciality you don't see much anymore. I think he's figured out a way to write in a way that is pre-postmodern without being not post modern. Very cool. Definitely too short, and I still don't understand boys. So weird!

total 165 books read, only 9 of which were prose...

I did yoga four days in a row and I don't even feel anything. Not tired, not blissed. I think I could go again today. But I should probably do an errand. But last night, at Asta yoga I did the tripod headstand transition to bakasana without putting my feet down first. Although I kind of cheated and I really do balasana not bakasana, because I think of my abnormally long legs (compared to my short short torso) I have to have the knees sticking out or there is too much leg to put behind me. I also got help on the handstand but it didn't really work out, I wish the middle part of my body was not so heavy. I think I'm too fat for this pose. But I really love how Asta has super mushy carpet, it actually feels safer than It's Yoga, and I think I'm just barely afraid. I think it will get me over my fears.

Watched this movie seemingly all about annoying people getting in your personal space.



I think my aesthetics are not to make things more ugly, aren't they ugly enough? Saw the last half of an Andy Warhol documentary at the museum and feel more inspired by him. He never showed a wrinkle on anyone, etc. Like also how he was always working but it was art. Wish my life was that. Instead of always working but its work.

My new year's resolution was not to stop blogging. I kept talking all December long how I couldn't wait for my January flu, because last year I got a flu and it was wonderful, but then I got sick but it wasn't the flu and it wasn't wonderful. asthma and a painful cough that never becomes "productive" - weird illness. I didn't make any resolutions really but I made a list of nostalgias. Dyed my hair cherry chocolate mousse. It is already fading out though. My plot to return to Mission. Asta Yoga in the old style I love. Reading an Anne Rice book until the middle of the night, except I fell asleep. Vintage clothes shopping at Clothes Contact. Was looking at all the old weird 60's and 70's outfits, and how I used to wear psychedelic outfits as my everyday outfit. Don't think I have the nerve anymore! I love that place though because it is by the pound, I bought two very light things and it was around $3.

Dreamt of an old friend who I used to have a crush on, but he always had a girlfriend. He was a Scorpio, I think they like to have secrets. So it was like almost dating when we would hang out, but not. It was confusing. He would talk about how he was in a loveless relationship, and I never understood or understand why people like that never leave. Fear I think. I wanted him to break up with her and date me and I think he wanted us to hook up first and feel safe before breaking up. But I never would have felt comfortable with that. Then it was like a two confused people standoff, and we just wandered off. I'm always alone and it is not horrible, so I don't understand that fear. Funny. The fear of being in a relationship is probably more. When would I write! Or blog. I like all the "things" I do, but I think I developed them to fill the void.

Oh, maybe 4 days of yoga did do something, who is blogging in the 7 AM hour?