Meditation sometimes feels like I'm boiling a pot of water, with the top on. Where is the steam coming out? My ears? No, instead it is prana/kundalini or whatever that energy thing is, coming out of my crown chakra!

In vinyasas, it is easy to breathe in going from push up to upward facing dog, but always so hard to breathe out as you are going down into push up; I always tend to hold my breath.

Did a handstand today with the help of Michelle at Namaste Yoga in Rockridge! Love a class with lots of arm balances. Was about to quit because it is not ashtanga, but Michelle is great! I have the fear issue with handstand, so bad, and I talked to her about it, and she says it is just practice, and it took her 5 years. With all fear issues; I am reminded how true it is - you just keep putting yourself in the situation that causes fear, and eventually it dissipates, because eventually everything becomes ho-hum. You can't stay in that state forever. The problem with me tho is, I haven't gone fully into the fear, or the pose, on my own. I trepidate on the outside of it, and so I never fully experience it, and it never dissipates, because I am AVOIDING it. I'm not quite sure how to solve this issue since the fear in my body prevents me from ever entering the pose...

The weirdest thing about having quit It's Yoga, I thought I'd miss parsva bakasana, astavakrasana, my almost peacock, but I don't for some reason, the weirdest thing is my ankles are constantly throbbing in disuse pain. I think it was their really long standing on one foot thing: tree, toehold, warrior 3, dinkasana, standing splits, half moon, revolving half moon, arda baddha. I must have had amazing ankle strength and that is what I miss. We seem to do enough vinyasa pushups that my arms don't crave for anything, totally satisfied. Also, happy to not have to attempt to do handstands, and elbow stands which I can't do. It is sort of a relief. Also though, I occasionally feel like I'm losing my bandhas, and they give us much less meditation time at the end, but I've been going home and having a more consistent home meditation practice. And when I'm bored at work I try to engage the bandhas, it is something to do... so. They are also, at the gym, oddly into crescent pose, i don't understand this pose! It's weird that they like it so much but I don't know why. Also, lunges, they like the lunges, and they don't seem to *do* anything.

Two epiphanies

My first epiphany being (ha!) that the body does not exist. While looking at my nose dristi, where it sort of disappears, yet can still see it also, I realized I seemingly and simultaneously do and do not exist. After this epiphany, where every time I look at my nose, I remind myself that my body does not exist, I realized that strength poses are not about strength, it is an illusion, the trick is to make your body disappear, slowly, sort of. It is through extreme relaxation, simultaneously with using your bandhas to pull everything in, and up, or whatever, and so partially you don't exist, and then you can fly.